Back to Marriage

There was a man back in the late 80s and early 90s that I thought to marry. This wasn't just wishful thinking. We'd talked about it ... a lot.

He was Italian Canadian and his mother adored me. I just had to say that. I, of course, adored him.

He recommended that I allow his sister and mother to arrange my bridal shower, because every Italian between Toronto and Montreal would be there. We would be able, he told me, to outfit our first home together completely with the gifts I would receive.

Also, we were to have a Roman Catholic wedding. Not that he and his mother were actually practicing Catholics.  The thing was that they'd been going to Italian weddings his entire life, and had gifted thousands of dollars to the Buste Basket (pronounced 'boosta' - it's for cash gifts given at the reception) of every one of them.  The only way to get a return on these thousands of dollars was to have a Roman Catholic wedding, because the Italian community wouldn't attend otherwise and all that money wouldn't be recouped, he told me. It sounded more like a business transaction than an avowal of love to me. When I said that, he countered that with all that money, we'd be able to put a healthy down payment on a house, which we would furnish with all those shower gifts I'd received.

As nice as that would have been, it didn't sit well with me.  Marriage has never been about money for me and to plan a wedding calculated to make as much money as possible seemed wrong somehow. When I said that to him, he commented that I couldn't possibly understand, being English and all. What he meant was WASP - White Anglo Saxon Protestant. And my family is about as English as they come ... taking into account that there's a ton of Irish, French, Danish and Scottish, as well as English, in my background - which makes me a true Canuck.

Fast forward 20 years and I'm planning my wedding.  It's going to cost a lot of money we don't have right now, but we want to celebrate our commitment and love for one another with the people who mean the most to us.  This is a quandary.

"Why don't we ask for cash instead of gifts," my sweetie suggested.

On the face of it (and I say this completely bearing in mind the story I just now related) it's not a bad idea.  For one thing, I already have a house and at our age, there isn't really much in the way of stuff that we need. Hell, we're getting rid of stuff that we've both been carrying around for 20-odd years.

But then, there are my delicate WASP sensibilities. You don't talk about money in polite society and you certainly don't request it in lieu of a gift. It seems gauche, somehow. So, we asked a dear friend of ours what she thought and she replied that, done as a donation to charity, it would be all right.

"But we're the charity!!" my sweetie exclaimed. We all laughed.

Greek Money Dance

I looked into traditions surrounding money and weddings. You'd be surprised how many cultures have traditions regarding money, and how many of them involve dancing. Pinning money to the bride's dress as she dances, putting it in her shoes (which are sitting in the middle of the floor) as she dances, collecting money from other men at the reception for the privilege of dancing with the bride. Poland, Cuba, Cyprus, the Baltics, Japan, the Philippines, Hungary, and the Pacific Islands all have this tradition. Italy and China both give money in baskets, and in Vietnam it's brought in envelopes. All to help the couple have a honeymoon and start their new life together.

Apparently, the idea of asking for money instead of gifts is gaining in popularity. There's even a website that I found, called Honey Fund, where you can register to have guests put money directly toward your honeymoon. Really! Check it out: Honey Fund sample Honeymoon registry

And here's an example out of Australia: Wishing Wells I like their idea of how to ask for this:

Soon you will hear our wedding bell,
As Friends and family wish us well.
Our household thoughts are not brand new,
We have twice the things we need for two.
Since we have our share of dishes and bedding,
We're having instead a wishing well wedding.
But more important we ask of you,
your prayers of love and blessings too!

It's kind of cute. And contrary to Ann Landers' opinion that there is no polite way to ask for money instead of gifts.

The Guardian, a paper in the UK, published an article on the subject in their money blog: The Guardian Opinion. According to the article, Selfridges has started a service wherein guests can contribute money to a store account to help couples buy whatever large ticket items they need for their homes.

So, I guess the times are a'changing. My delicate WASP sensibilities aside, maybe my Italian almost-husband's idea wasn't as business-deal-like as I thought. Just a different way of seeing things.