And So, We Begin Again



Wednesday went pretty well. As well has it could have under the circumstances. Thank you for the white light, love, support, positive energy. We felt it and it helped.

I look forward to being fully able to talk about this. It really does need a public airing, but again, common-sense must prevail. We don't know the outcome yet and I don't want to jynx anything.



Suffice to say that my sweetie has never before in his life actually felt energy and white light coming to him ... until Wednesday. It was a day of firsts and that was not the least of them. You all rock!!

THANK YOU!



Now, on with life.



I had my pap smear this morning. Yay. Actually, this was the easiest one I've ever had. No discomfort at all. I lay back, we were talking about Wednesday's events, then it was over ... in about 10 seconds flat! She's very good about warming the speculum, which really helps. She confirmed that I'm perimenopausal. Well, I knew that, didn't I.

So, we were watching some female stand-up comic the other night and she was talking about having her pap smear. She completely alienated me with this; not the subject matter, but in how she talked about it. She's in her 40s at least, maybe late 30s, so she's an adult. But when she said 'pap smear' her voice got all whispery and little girly, she even lithped the 's' on 'smear'. I'm sorry, how old are you???!!! You say you're a mother and you can't say 'pap smear' in an adult tone of voice? Puhlease! Get over it. She probably calls her period 'Aunt Flow' or 'Aunt Rose'. Her vagina is probably her 'beautiful lady flower' or her 'hoo-ha'. If she has a son, he's probably completely confused about what to call his penis: his wee-wee, maybe his pee-pee?



Honestly, it is incredible to me that people are embarassed about these things. These are human biology and physiology words, folks. They aren't curse words, or nasty dirty things to talk about in dark corners. They're body parts and biological functions. Can't you just hear it? "Oh no, you can't put your weaner in my whispering eye tonight, I'm going with my flow." Makes me gag just thinking about it.

ANYWAY ...



My sweetie has specifically requested that he choose the wine for the wedding. He did that last night, actually. A very dear friend bought us dinner in a nice restaurant to celebrate the end game on Wednesday. We had a 2003 Travaglini Gattinara that was marvelous. Now, I have no taste buds for wine, got mine from my mother. Generally, neither of us can tell the difference between a $10 bottle of red and a $100 bottle of red. But every so often, we can. Last night was one of those times. The nose was heavy and fruity, so I wasn't expecting at all that it would be so very light on the palate. I was almost unaware of it. It was amazing.

Actually, I'm not sure what was more amazing; the wine, or the fact that I noticed a difference!

My sweetie will definitely be choosing the wines for the wedding.



We're probably going to keep any alcohol simple. Red and white wines, champagne for the toasts (if we can pull it off, he'd like to have a Pol Roger), perhaps Guiness and Harp, maybe an ale, also a cider, and of course non-alcoholic beverages.

Our menu is going to be interesting. If everyone we invite attends, we'll need, gluten-free (which we do anyway for me), vegan and vegetarian (which technically can be the same dish) options. And I don't want the vegetarian options to be the usual schlock that is served at big functions - mushroom risotto that looks about as appetizing as ... well I can't think of anything that unappetizing actually (nothing against mushroom risotto, perse, the mushroom risotto I had last night as part of my antipasto was STUNningly good). And I want the cake gluten-free (and vegetarian if possible). There are some amazing gluten-free cake recipes out there.

And back to dresses ... thought I'd look into red. How about these?



Darius Cordell Gown



Dresses Online

Reem Acra

We'll see. In the meantime, I'm still having fun looking!

Not Much Time, So Much to Say

My friends, for my sweetie and me this week will see the culmination of a seven month ordeal. Some of you know what's been going on; others, sadly, will have to stay in the dark for the moment. Suffice to say that it is not good for stress levels; although, admittedly, my sweetie and I have been doing all right the past week. The end game is here and the result will  be what it will be. All we can do is our best, which we will, have no doubt about it. We're being pretty philosophical about it, actually. And he was incredible over my very slight meltdown last week.

My sweetie knows this has been hard on me, as I know it's been hard on him. We've supported one another through it. I haven't been letting him actually see me melt down to this point (last week was a bit of an aberration), as I'm trying to be a good 'soldier's wife'. You know what I mean. Your man is going off to wage battle and the last thing he needs to see as he sets off is his wife weeping in fear for him, tearing her hair out and beating her chest - mourning him in advance.

I will try to update this blog every day as I have been, but don't really expect to be able to on Wednesday at the very least. One day, I'll tell the story of this ordeal, but I am constrained right now by ... I guess common-sense more than anything.

Thankfully, I've been reading bridal magazines and watching silly wedding reality TV (my sweetie actually pointed one out to me, which knowing his aversion to all things reality TV, especially bridal shows, stunned me - 'Bridezilla' promises to be interesting and fun). They are providing a fair bit of entertainment and he does get a chuckle out of some of my gasps of disgust (at some truly horrid dress) and frustration (over yet another 'princess bride' dress). I'm not certain he understands why I also gasp in appreciation over some really lovely gown - not that he doesn't get me liking it, but he doesn't get why I like it.

And I've been rethinking my dress. Again. Good god. I was talking to a dear friend at the weekend and realized as I was talking why (or one reason why) I'm having so much trouble getting over the fact that so many of the dresses look to have been designed with a little girl's wedding fantasy in mind. I never got to search for my fantasy wedding dress. My first wedding is happening at a point when many women my age are renewing their vows or being married for a second (or third) time. I missed out on the chance to wear the stunning ballgown wedding dress with a mountain of tulle and lots of beading and rhinestones/crystals. I have a feeling part of me resents the hell out of missing out on that when I was younger, as accepting as I've been of it to this point. Now, I have to figure out what the hell I want as the woman I am now, instead of as the girl-woman I was 25 years ago - she's the one who wants a 'princess bride' dress.

So, there you are. Pray for us this week. Send strength. Send white light and love. We'll feel it all come in, have no doubt.

OK, Slightly Less Bitchy Today

A friend at the office is getting married soon. We were talking about our plans; her at the end of her planning, me just beginning. I was telling her about yesterday's post on bridal magazines, which is actually one of the reasons I started this blog. She laughed and said that those magazines were useless for her for the same reasons! Now, she's about 15 years younger than me (maybe closer to 20), so I was amazed that she felt the same way. She recounted a story about being in high school and having to plan a wedding with her partner. They had to budget for an apartment and a car, as well as for the wedding. "Those magazines were perfect when I was 16!" she laughed. "Now, I don't see the point."

Being from Canada, she figures there's no point in looking at bridal mags from the States. We can't buy any of the stuff anyway. She chuckled when I told her that Canadian Brides magazine was full of ads for stores in the States. She agreed with my assessment of Elegant Weddings, out of Toronto. But then, she told me about Toronto Life Magazine's Wedding Guide. She said it was great.

So, I checked it out online. It is great. There's a super interview with caterer, Arpi Magyar, that has several really good tips for saving money and making your dinner go smoothly. A lovely set of suggestions on bouquets and boutonieres, as well as wedding cakes. And a lovely piece with Andrea Anastasiou, the owner of a bridal shop in Yorkville called White, talking about picking your dress. I might actually buy the 2011 version.

Still nothing for the bride of a certain age, but some truly useful suggestions. By the way, my friend confirmed the florist thing I mentioned yesterday. She advised me to only pick flowers that are in season (which in the winter will be difficult, but I get the drift); she actually ran her hand down her face in weariness on this one. She's doing exacty what the article I mentioned yesterday suggested; buying the entire bulk order of the flowers she ordered and using them around the venue.

I know her day is going to be fantastic. She's put a lot into it. I have a feeling my day is also going to be wonderful. Just have to get through the next 15 months!

A Bit on Bridal Magazines

OK, so I bought a few more this week. I was curious to see if my initial impression (that they are put together with 22 year olds in mind) was correct. In the main, I was right. Most of them really are written for much younger girls.

Take Wedding Bells, for instance. I don't need '500 pretty ideas'; I need a thousand mature ones! Really, I looked through the magazine. Not one of them was suitable.

And finding your PERFECT DRESS ... well, I've said it before ... only if you're 12!

At least it's Canadian.

I bought Brides because, what the heck, what is the most flattering dress for my figure? Hmmm ... kind of boyish with bigger breasts. The closest I could come was one for an hour glass figure (the one for a boyish figure had stuff to make the breasts look larger), mainly based in a mermade shape. What about the one I really want, with an A-line. Will that suit my figure?

At least there are budgeting ideas in this one. Haven't read them yet, but I'm looking forward to it!

I didn't actually buy this one. It's an offshoot of the previous one. I like that they do local magazines. It's much more helpful when you know the shops and services are actually accessible by car (or public transit).

But really, is this girl even 20?!!

 Today's Bride is another Canadian magazine. I'm always glad to see these, for the same reason as I like the idea of a local version of a national bridal magazine. I have a hope in hell of getting to their listed stores!

And, I might even actually have a chance at the Turqs & Caicos honeymoon. That would be awesome! Totally!!! Really, I do mean that. The Turqs & Caicos are beautiful. And they were almost a Canadian protectorate back in teh late 80s/early 90s.

But really, is the girl on the front a real human being?

THEN!! I found this one.

Elegant Wedding is based out of Toronto, which is great because I can get to all the services providers and shops quite easily. The editor has some fairly edgy ideas (read: not saccharine sweet) that are more sophisticated in nature (read: not for little girls). I'm really enjoying this one and look forward to reading more.

Only problem is that her 'real' wedding profiles are not for the faint of wallet. Not much in this magazine is. It's definitely high-end.

I might actually buy this one again!

I can't remember which magazine it was now, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the American ones. Anyway, they had a fabulous feature on flowers. Did you know that if you want a slightly out of the ordinary flower in your arrangement, one that the florist doesn't usually carry, you might end up paying more than you realize? They have to buy in some bulk, you see, and every flower they receive has to get special treatment according to its type. If you want one or two of that flower, you'll probably still pay for every one the florist had to order. This magazine suggested that since you're paying for them, take them all and use them in vases around the venue. I like that. Practical AND pretty! I'm going to double-check with my favorite florist here, however, just to make sure.

I think my post today is sounding a little bitchy. I'm sorry if it does. I'm over-worked right now. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Back to Breasts

So, my sweetie loves my new breasts. They're much fuller these days.

"I lvoe your new breasts!" he exclaimed. I started feeling oddly shy and made some comment reflecting that. I think I even blushed, for god sake.

"Look at you. You're 12 again," he laughed. And you know? He was right. Suddenly, I was 12 years old again and feelign shy about my changing body.  Only this time, I know pretty much who I am and am confident in that. It makes a huge difference.

Still, these new breasts tick me off a little. I mean, I had reduction surgery for crying out loud. There was a reason for that! But I'm not really upset, just really irritated.

So, what the hell is this all about, anyway?

According to what I've read, women get fuller/swollen, more tender breasts in perimenopause due to excess estrogen. If that's the case, my estrogen has been in excess mode for a month now! Another article I found said that my estrogen was too low. So what the heck??! Frustratingly, that was about all I found. Most articles or webpages talk about tender breasts, breast cancer and hot flashes. Very few can explain the mechanism behind it. So, I'm going to take it as it comes on this one. If anyone has any input, I'd appreciate it.

I looked into Evening Primrose Oil, as one of the articles I found indicated that this could be helpful. Unfortunately, the studies show otherwise. Or more correctly, they are inconclusive. This article, from Medline Plus says that it's a good dietary source of essential fatty acids, it's possibly effective on breast pain (but not longterm breast pain), and possibly ineffective on hot flashes and night sweats.

The website Menopause A to Z talks about studies having been done, including a huge one ($80,000,000) by a pharmaceutical company in Canada, but it doesn't link us to the study, or the findings or anything that will tell us what the outcomes were. It does say that many women do find benefit in taking Evening Primrose Oil, and I infer from the article that this could be due to the essential fatty acids present in it. Apparently, menopausal women are lacking in these fatty acids, so the health benefits of taking Evening Primrose Oil might be good just for that alone.

As for me and my new breasts? In the meantime, I'm going to see what I can come up with on the medical side of it. There has to be a reason this happens and there has to be a webpage somewhere that can answer my questions. Doesn't there?

I figure I'll just have fun for the time being. I haven't changed cup sizes, just fill in what I have a bit better. There have to be perqs, right?

General Musing

I saw my psychologist today. She's very pleased with my progress when it comes to quitting smoking. That was good. I showed her the picture of my EEG activity during my sleep study and she was stunned at how busy it was. All in all, a good visit.

I'm still researching wedding dresses. Found some interesting sites and when I have a comprehensive list, I'll post it here. But I do want to highlight one designer I found today. Claire Pettibone has some truly interesting dresses.

Some are quite whimsical, others more kind of traditional, but all of them have lovely details and many are sophisticated in nature. I pulled these two photos off her website.

Today's search started because I got the idea of a convertible or break away wedding dress. You know, the kind where the skirt can be partially removed and you're left with a shorter dress. 

From weddinggirl.ca

I like this idea and will look into it more. So far, however, the dress remaining after the break away is removed is quite short, like the one above. I have good legs and, apparently, according to my sweetie, a great ass, but I'm not sure I could get away with this one!

Fergie from DavidTuterabyFaviana.com

This is a more traditional-looking convertible dress by David Tutera. It's a little frilly for my liking, but a good example of what I mean. Believe it or not, I got this idea watching the tv show "Four Weddings" on the weekend. Yes, I subjected my sweetie to this first thing Sunday morning. He put up with it, with a little grumbling. It's an interesting idea and I'm going to look into it more.

And then there's this one from Jasmine Couture.


I like this one because it converts into a full-length gown instead of a mini-dress!

It's a little more adult, more classic
looking.



So, the options are out there. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want. I think that's probably the first step! Grrr. I hate making this kind of decision. At least I have some time.

The Quest for Good Sleep

So, I snore. In fact, that's why I had the sleep study last winter. My sweetie was convinced I have sleep apnoea. I don't. When it comes to snoring, what I have, I'm relatively certain, is allergies. My snoring always, always, gets worse if I haven't had an opportunity to vacuum and dust the bedroom for a few weeks. Like the last few weeks.

I use those 'Breathe Right' strips and they do help, but not completely.  I've taken to having an antihistamine before bed. That usually helps.

On Saturday, I cleaned the bedroom. I vacuumed. I dusted. I wiped down with a damp cloth. I didn't take an antihistamine Saturday night and didn't need one. So, last night, I also chose not to take one. Bad move.



How I do wake up
photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net



 My sweetie reads in bed at night. So do I. I'm frequently asleep long before him and I always know when I've been snoring because he shoves my shoudler and I hear him saying my name in an irritably plaintive fashion. Last night, I was deeply asleep when this happened and I woke up pissed off. He thinks it's hormone-related. I think it's being awakened from a deep sleep. Either way, it isn't pretty. Especially when I have to get up in five hours. Last night, my reaction was so strong that he told me I looked insane. He actually looked shocked and a little fearful. I told him, "I don't care!!" 



How we both wish I woke up.
Photo by Dan
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm not sure how to handle this one. I'm already doing everything I can about the snoring. And, I'm sorry, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to be reasonable when jolted out of a deep sleep (well, as deep as I ever get, anway). This is going to take some thought.





I've started looking into Mindful Meditation. There's been some truly good research on this. Here's a paper published on Academia.edu by the NIH: Mindfulness Research Update And the neuro at the sleep clinic also suggested I get some discs by this doctor: Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn 

 It occurs to me as I write this today that my pissed off reactions at being awakened at night might be based in the whole alpha EEG thing. If I'm constantly in fight or flight mode, then being awakened would create a huge spike in adrenalin, wouldn't it? Hmmmm. I wake up ready for a fight, ready for danger? It does make sense. I wonder if the mindful meditation would help with this. It might, rabbit. It might. 




Photo by smoked salmon

at FreeDigitalPhotos.net



Sunrise, Sunset

One of my aunts is turning 70 tomorrow. One of my uncles turned 70 in May. My other aunt and uncle aren't far behind. When did that happen? How did that happen? Wasn't it yesterday when I was a little girl and they were in their 20s?

Good grief! I feel like someone out of Fiddler on the Roof. It's 'Sunrise, Sunset' in reverse!

In 20-odd years, I'll be the same age.  Boy, 20 years isn't such a long time to me at this point, it being less than half my life. When I was 20, 20 years was forever. I'm not one of those that frets or gets weird about aging.  It's happening and short of either a miracle or dying, there's no way to stop it.  Since death isn't an option (especially since I'm under strict orders from my sweetie not to die before him) and miracles such as that don't happen, I'll age and I'll do it gracefully.  But my family, the people who have been in my life my whole life, are almost as old as my grandmotehr and father were when they died. I don't ... that isn't sitting well. Suddenly, I feel ten years old again.

You know, I was 14 when my period started. I remember the exact moment. We were at Nana's and had been swimming in the pool at the lodge. I went to the washroom and there it was.

"MU-U-UM!!!" I shrieked as I raced back outside. Every woman there knew what had happened. So did I. I'd seen the movies in health class and had been waiting for it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. Mum took me up to the house and, using some of her supplies, showed me what to do with what.

When each of my nieces started her period, my sister took them out for a special day to celebrate. Sort of a welcome to womanhood. I liked that. Makes it special instead of something to be dreaded.

It occurs to me that I won't have that kind of memory when my period ends.  One day, I'll just realize that it's been over a year since I had one. That's that. Kind of anti-climactic when you think about it. There should be fireworks to mark the day.  You know, I believe it's the Chinese who say that a person isn't an adult until he or she has reached the age of 50. Is it a coincidence that a woman's period ends around that age? So, maybe a 'welcome to adulthood' party.

Kwan Yin, (Guanyin in Chinese) in Buddhism is the bodhisattva of Compassion. Her name generally means 'the one who hears the cries of the world'. In English, she tends to be known as the Goddess of Mercy.

I'm not sure why, but as I wrote today's post, she kept coming to my mind. Thought I'd share her with you. She's known for kindness; she's a mother-goddess and patron of mothers and seamen.

Patron of Mothers. I like that.

On the Importance of Sleep

So, I had a sleep study done some months ago and finally had the follow-up today. Apparently, I have Fibromyalgia, which I already knew since it is a secondary diagnosis to my inflammatory arthritis. Anyway, this is the first time something conclusive has come up in a sleep study (although there was a sign of it back during my last sleep study in 2003). They found two things: moderate alpha EEG Sleep Disorder and Severe Periodic EEG Sleep Disorder. Alpha waves occur all the time when you're awake. They're part of the fight or flight impulse, constantly monitoring for danger and what's going on around you. In most people, they stop during sleep. In me, they don't, which means I'm not getting into stages 4 and 5 of sleep - basically, the recuperative levels of sleep when your body repairs itself. Not only that, but I have periodic spikes in brain activity that bring me almost to full consciousness.

Photo from Healthadel.com

What the doctor at the sleep clinic told me is that I need to boost my para-sympathetic system to ease the constant feeling of fight or flight anxiety. Mindful meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga, Relaxation techniques will all be extremely beneficial for me. The doctor didn't feel that Pilates would be relaxing, except that I find it so because it focusses my brain in much the same way Tai Chi does. I loved Tai Chi when I was doing it all the time, by the way. My god it's wonderful. A moving meditation. I don't meditate easily. I get bored and the monkeys start chattering away. Same thing happens when I do Yoga, by the way. I was bored stupid when I was doing it. Anyway, when I have movement to focus on (yes, I know, Yoga is movement, but it's boring movement), it quiets the chattering monkeys and allows me to relax. The doctor also suggested I work with a naturopath actively again, so I'm going to think about that.

What I find interesting is that the techniques that will help keep me de-stressed when in the midst of perimenopausal crap will also help me get better sleep. Time to do something about it, I suppose.

Grumble grumble grouse. Why can't these things just fix themselves!!

Back to Marriage

There was a man back in the late 80s and early 90s that I thought to marry. This wasn't just wishful thinking. We'd talked about it ... a lot.

He was Italian Canadian and his mother adored me. I just had to say that. I, of course, adored him.

He recommended that I allow his sister and mother to arrange my bridal shower, because every Italian between Toronto and Montreal would be there. We would be able, he told me, to outfit our first home together completely with the gifts I would receive.

Also, we were to have a Roman Catholic wedding. Not that he and his mother were actually practicing Catholics.  The thing was that they'd been going to Italian weddings his entire life, and had gifted thousands of dollars to the Buste Basket (pronounced 'boosta' - it's for cash gifts given at the reception) of every one of them.  The only way to get a return on these thousands of dollars was to have a Roman Catholic wedding, because the Italian community wouldn't attend otherwise and all that money wouldn't be recouped, he told me. It sounded more like a business transaction than an avowal of love to me. When I said that, he countered that with all that money, we'd be able to put a healthy down payment on a house, which we would furnish with all those shower gifts I'd received.

As nice as that would have been, it didn't sit well with me.  Marriage has never been about money for me and to plan a wedding calculated to make as much money as possible seemed wrong somehow. When I said that to him, he commented that I couldn't possibly understand, being English and all. What he meant was WASP - White Anglo Saxon Protestant. And my family is about as English as they come ... taking into account that there's a ton of Irish, French, Danish and Scottish, as well as English, in my background - which makes me a true Canuck.

Fast forward 20 years and I'm planning my wedding.  It's going to cost a lot of money we don't have right now, but we want to celebrate our commitment and love for one another with the people who mean the most to us.  This is a quandary.

"Why don't we ask for cash instead of gifts," my sweetie suggested.

On the face of it (and I say this completely bearing in mind the story I just now related) it's not a bad idea.  For one thing, I already have a house and at our age, there isn't really much in the way of stuff that we need. Hell, we're getting rid of stuff that we've both been carrying around for 20-odd years.

But then, there are my delicate WASP sensibilities. You don't talk about money in polite society and you certainly don't request it in lieu of a gift. It seems gauche, somehow. So, we asked a dear friend of ours what she thought and she replied that, done as a donation to charity, it would be all right.

"But we're the charity!!" my sweetie exclaimed. We all laughed.

Greek Money Dance

I looked into traditions surrounding money and weddings. You'd be surprised how many cultures have traditions regarding money, and how many of them involve dancing. Pinning money to the bride's dress as she dances, putting it in her shoes (which are sitting in the middle of the floor) as she dances, collecting money from other men at the reception for the privilege of dancing with the bride. Poland, Cuba, Cyprus, the Baltics, Japan, the Philippines, Hungary, and the Pacific Islands all have this tradition. Italy and China both give money in baskets, and in Vietnam it's brought in envelopes. All to help the couple have a honeymoon and start their new life together.

Apparently, the idea of asking for money instead of gifts is gaining in popularity. There's even a website that I found, called Honey Fund, where you can register to have guests put money directly toward your honeymoon. Really! Check it out: Honey Fund sample Honeymoon registry

And here's an example out of Australia: Wishing Wells I like their idea of how to ask for this:

Soon you will hear our wedding bell,
As Friends and family wish us well.
Our household thoughts are not brand new,
We have twice the things we need for two.
Since we have our share of dishes and bedding,
We're having instead a wishing well wedding.
But more important we ask of you,
your prayers of love and blessings too!

It's kind of cute. And contrary to Ann Landers' opinion that there is no polite way to ask for money instead of gifts.

The Guardian, a paper in the UK, published an article on the subject in their money blog: The Guardian Opinion. According to the article, Selfridges has started a service wherein guests can contribute money to a store account to help couples buy whatever large ticket items they need for their homes.

So, I guess the times are a'changing. My delicate WASP sensibilities aside, maybe my Italian almost-husband's idea wasn't as business-deal-like as I thought. Just a different way of seeing things.

Mood Swings - A Whole New Jungle Gym

I don't know if you'd noticed, but I'm big on research. At least when it comes to things medical. The newest link is from the British Columbia Medical Journal, an article called "Depression and Emotional Aspects of the Menopause". It's very good.

See, I was hoping to understand the whole mood swing thing (makes you think of a jungle gym for women of a certain age, doesn't it). How does it happen? What's the reason? I'm no closer to understanding, really. I mean, it's linked to hormones, but everything I find just confuses me more. And I'm still really tired. Stress, you know. My sweetie says I talked a blue streak while I was asleep last night. Apparently, I even spoke French in the voice of a very young girl. I've always talked in my sleep, by the way. Since I learned to talk, practically.

I've been feeling extremely anxious the last few days. It's understandable, what with the deadline my sweetie and I are facing at the end of the month. Thing is, anxiety and perimenopause/menopause apparently go hand-in-hand. It might be caused by the increasing signs of perimenopause (not to mention the stressors in a woman's life at the age of perimenopause), which are unfamiliar and difficult to live with at times. It could also be, again, hormonal in nature. See, estrogen and progesterone act with GABA-receptors in your brain to help control or limit anxiety. GABA stands for gamma-aminobutyric acid, and it's involved in vision and anxiety (loosely put anyway). As your hormones fluctuate and gradually lessen, there's less for the GABA-receptors to interact with, so less resistance to anxiety. That's a completely lay-person description, by the way.

So, they say that HRT can help this, but one article wondered if the health risks involved with the use of HRT is worth it. This article, Anxiety and Panic, an Early Sign of Menopause, was quite interesting and easy to understand.

There are many things you can do to relieve anxiety. Deep, relaxation breathing is one of them. I've been doing that all day today. Meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi, Exercise, herbal teas, and if it's bad enough, anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication can all help. Herbs like Kava and St. John's Wort are reported to be helpful with anxiety, and psychotherapy can be extremely beneficial. At least, I'm finding my psychologist to be very beneficial. Thank goodness, every two weeks I can go in to her office and just go "BLAH!!!"

Or, take the puppy for a walk. We both find that therapeutic.

It's a short one today. Sorry 'bout that. I wasn't able to start until a short while ago and now I'm running out of time.

Is it Really All in Our Heads?

Well, not much to say today. I'm exhausted. Can't think overly straight. Just want to go home and go to sleep. Can't do that, so I'll just have to cope.

Did you know that the word 'cope', which we now use to indicate getting through something successfully (which today, in my case, would mean without falling asleep) originated in the 14th century from an old French word 'colper' which means 'hit' or 'punch'? It didn't come to mean 'handle successfully' until the 17th century; although, there is some doubt as to how this happened. It's believed that this morphing happened because of a North Sea Trading word, 'cope', from a Flemish version of a Germanic word which in English was 'cheap'. Talk about convoluted.

From a mood swing standpoint, I'm doing much better than merely 'coping'. It may be that the onset of my period, with the resultant PMS is what is bound to send me over the edge on this. We'll have to see what happens. From an exhaustion standpoint, I'm coping.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should live on a farm or something at this point. After all, why do I need to be awake at 5:00 in the morning? At least farmers have a reason ... I should have a cow to milk, or livestock to feed or something. I'm waking up around then increasingly frequently. This is different from my Restless Legs Syndrome, which I've had since I was a child. And I've always had times when I come to consciousness to go to the washroom or pull a blanket over me (or stick my feet out because they're too hot). I have never, ever, come to full consciousness at 5:00 in the morning. So, I thought I'd look into that a little.

It seems it's all related to our biological clock, which is found in the hypothalamus (part of the brain). This is called the substantia nigra pars compacta (SNc).  The SNc has to do with not only our sleep/wake cycle, but also the endocrine glands that affect our monthly cycles. It's all part and parcel. If one goes whacky, everything else SNc-related goes whacky. Perimenopause is just one piece of whackiness after another what with the hormones going up and down all the time and this messes with the SNc, which messes with our sleep patterns. Interestingly, to me anyway, one of the other things that happens in the SNc is the production of Dopamine, which regulates our movement. The degeneration of the Dopamine produced in the SNc is the cause of Parkinson's Disease. Wait. That's not at all comforting.

Dopamine is also produced in another area of the brain, by the way, and this particular 'brand' (for lack of a better word) of Dopamine influences goal-oriented behaviour, motivation and our ability to pay attention. Zyban (or Wellbutrin, same drug, different use) works by inhibiting the uptake of Dopamine into the brain as it travels through the various neurons, which has an effect on addiction behaviour.

But I digress.

So, what it comes down to is that there is a very good reason why our sleep patterns are disrupted in perimenopause. It's still wise to have a sleep study done to determine if there's something else going on (like sleep apnoeia or restless leg syndrome) because finding that out will go a long way toward helping you get better sleep once it's being treated. But if it's just plain ole perimenopause messing around with the hypothalamus, I don't think there's much you can do about it ... except keep a good book by the bed ... with a flashlight so you can read without disturbing your partner.

OK. I had more to say than I thought.

Nothing about the wedding today, however. Too darned tired to think about it.

What Does 'Bride' Mean?

Don't know how to credit this one.

I think one of the hardest things to figure out is whether my emotional reactions are due to the actual situation, or raging mood swings. I mean, you feel desperately sad, and the current situation certainly gives you reason to be sad, but is it enough to cause the horrible, gut-wrenching despair you're experiencing? Or the flash of instantaneous rage?

And what do you do in these moments? I mean, how do you talk yourself down off the precipice when you're in the midst of such unreasoning emotion? I wonder if it would be possible to train my brain to step in when I'm caught up like that. You know, like an alarm goes off and a more reasonable area of grey cells points out the unremitting, unreasonable nature of the reaction and causes you to stop for a moment, realize that maybe the reaction is a little steep for the circumstances, and go for a walk.

Luckily, our rather large puppy needs lots of exercise.

National Soybean Research Library

Thought I'd look into soy as a natural 'remedy' for menopausal symptoms. The jury seems to be out on this one. A study out of the Department of Gynecology at the Federal University of Sao Paulo, in Brazil, found that it may be efficacious in easing menopausal symptoms. The US Department of Health and Human Services Office on Women's Health says there's no clear proof. But if you search PubMed, you also find an analysis of studies on the use of soy in treating perimenopausal symptoms conducted by the Department of Complimentary Medicine, Penninsula Medical School, Universities of Exeter and Plymouth in the UK, that pretty much says that it's up in the air, but there may be benefit to taking soy.  I wonder if it's worth adding more tofu to my diet. I hate tofu. Luckily, this does come in pill form.

I think part of what I'm wrestling with when it comes to the wedding is the word 'Bride'. I know it sounds weird, but to me, 'Bride' connotes youth, purity, sweetness, and light. At almost 50 (I'll turn 50 later in the year we get married) youth certainly does not apply, regardless of the fact that there's a Chinese saying that humans do not reach adulthood until the age of 50. Purity, well, that's not a word I would apply to myself at this point. Sweetness completely depends on the moment and who I am talking to. And as for light ... there are moments of light, but I'm living in the hour of the wolf right now ... maybe I won't be by the time the wedding comes. Of course, these are my expectations, my ... what's the word I want? ... prejudices? ... connotations? ... when it comes to the word 'Bride'.

I found some photos, old, old, photos, the other day.  They're of a couple that I used to bowl with when I belonged to a league.  They were in their sixties maybe?  It was their wedding day, back around 1991. She definitely looks like a bride, wearing golden-ivory satin, with a peplum on the jacket and a mid-calf skirt.  Her hair is up and she has a tiny veil, almost a fascinator, at the back of her updo.  She looks radiant.  She looks like a bride.


My own mother remarried at age 66.  She wore a gorgeous, periwinkle blue suit, with a lovely multi-coloured blouse.  She carried a bunch of daffodils, her favourite flower, fresh picked from the garden. She looked radiant, and very much like a bride.

Both of these women wore something that made them feel good, made them be the beautiful brides-of-a-certain-age they were. That's what it comes down to, isn't it. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants or expects, you should feel good and special in whatever you wear as a bride.

They will be my example in this.  Mum, in particular, is often my example. Women of wisdom. I'm getting there ... some day.

Step-Mom Pride

I went to see my step-son sworn into the Armed Forces yesterday.  Although his father and I aren't yet married, and he's in his late 20s now, we do think of each other in those terms. He is my step-son; I'm his step-mom.

He's going in as an Infantry Officer. After graduating from Basic Training in February, he'll be off to Officer Training, after which he'll be a 2nd Lieutenant (unless he comes first in the class and then he'll be a Captain). The ceremony was surprisingly moving. He was calm, collected and sure of himself as he swore the oath. I couldn't have been more proud had he been my flesh and blood son.

Of course, this is all a part of marrying at my age, isn't it.  You aren't just marrying this wonderful man; he has a family and you need to integrate with them as well. Of course, never having been married, I have no children for my sweetie to integrate with. Just my cats, whom he loves despite all his protestations to the contrary. That aside, any woman who is single after the age of about 30 becomes a part of an extended family with pretty much any man she dates. I haven't had a boyfriend sans kids since I was 28.  That's hard, you know. It takes time to develop a relationship with the children, to gain their trust, to find the balance between being in a semi-parental role and over-stepping the bounds of not being an actual parent to them. These young lives come to care about you, as you come to care about, even love, them. When the unthinkable happens after several years, it's heartbreaking for the loss of the children you've come to love, as much as for the loss of a man you've loved. At least in my sweetie's case, his son was in his early 20s when I met him. Our relationship is based in mutual respect and friendship, as much as anything filial. If he's able to get time away from the military, he will be my sweetie's Best Man. That's pretty special.

You know, when I think about it, my GP first suggested perimenopause to me in 2005; so, six years ago, when I was 41 (maybe I didn't start later than the other women in my family ... hmmmm).  My periods suddenly changed and I was hemorrhaging during the first few days. The physical pressure started building in my gut until I thought I was going to burst; even my lower back started aching. I've never been like that; few cramps, always started and stopped like clockwork - about five days and that was that. Not only did my flow become heavier, but my period began lasting seven days. "Damn!" I said. OK, that's not quite what I said, but you get the drift.

I didn't think it was perimenopause, because this huge change in my menstruation occurred about a month after I started a heavy-duty medication for my arthritis. It goes into the immune-system and stops it from sending out T-cells; the little guys that actively attack viruses and such.  Well, a woman's reproductive system is rife with these cells (called Tumour Necrosis Factor-alpha, or TNF-a) and given the medical system's propensity for not doing studies on how various meds and illnesses affect women, some 20 years after the development of the anti-TNF meds they still don't know how they affect a woman's reproductive cycle.  Anyway, I asked a bunch of other women I know who are also on them, and a fair number of them had also experienced changes in their periods after starting on an anti-TNF med.  There were enough that I figured it was the med. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe it was a combination of the med and perimenopause?

Good grief.

Photo from Dreamstime.com

I want to thank those of you who contacted me after my post on Tuesday. Your messages meant a great deal.  What I didn't say was that over the weekend, due to a confluence of starting a new exercise programme last week and trying to put some bins in the car on Friday, my sweetie is in an acute flair of Sciatica. It snuck up on him.  A twinge on Saturday. A bigger twinge, more like a jolt, on Sunday. Monday morning, he could barely walk and by Tuesday, it had become unbearable.  I've had far too many attacks of Sciatica over the years due to my arthritis, so I know what to do for them.  Let's just say that, well, my sweetie is not the easiest patient to deal with, but we're getting through. On Tuesday, I had to be at work, as usual (especially since I took yesterday off), so my diabetic sweetheart was at home alone, with a dog that needed walking and unable to stand long enough to get food for himself. Suffice to say, I was more than a little worried about him.

Yesterday was the hardest. He had to miss his son's swearing-in. He woke up determined to go, got most of the way to the bathroom and couldn't go any further. His leg almost went out from under him.  He was heart-broken not to go, had tears in his eyes in the morning after phoning to let his son know. But his son knows that his dad wouldn't have missed yesterday unless he'd had no choice. Since I can't carry my sweetie, and he had trouble getting downstairs, let alone dressed in a suit and out to the car, he had no choice. He was in my heart and mind the entire time, as I sat there representing my step-son's entire family.

I was proud of them both yesterday. My step-son for accomplishing his lifelong goal of following in a strong family tradition of service in the military; my sweetie for being wise enough to know when not to push it, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Life's like that, isn't it.

Stressing Stress

You know, it's characteristic of stress that, when in a time of great stress, stressing makes things worse. That might seem like a no-brainer, but how many of us, when in that time of stress, stop and destress?  Some very wise folk, most certainly; unfortunately, far fewer people, it would seem, than should.  We are so caught up in survival mode that we forget to look after ourselves.

My sweetie and I are going through a time of extreme stress right now.  It's been ongoing, virtually non-stop, since, well, January, really. One day, I'll talk about it, but for today's purposes, the effect of stress is enough of a topic.  Suffice to say, I'm terrified all the time right now.  It gnaws at my sternum, sends pick axes through my belly; it makes we want to start looking at the world from the back of my brain where I can hide, instead of full in the face. That, however, is impossible, not to mention unproductive, so I've coped thus far by not really thinking about the situation.  Now, this is helpful for getting through my work day, but not so great every other moment of my day.

What, I wonder, is the effect of stress on perimenopause? A study that I found at the Oxford Journals website (oxfordjournals.org), Prospective Study of the Determinants of Age at Menopause, did find a link between the age at full menopause and stress in both women with generally irregular menstrual cycles and African American women. They tend to be younger at full menopause, it would appear. Now, we all know how stress affects our menstrual cycle. How many of us have been days late or missed a period altogether at times of great stress? And a paper at the American Psychological Association, Stress Weakens the Immune System, states that longterm stress (ranging from days to months) will have a direct effect on the immune system. The study uses the word 'ravage' to describe it. How many of us get awful colds after a period of stress?

According to a paper I found at the Mayo Clinic website, the reason stress affects our menstrual cycles is that it affects the hypothalamus, the part of your brain that controls the hormones that regulate your menstrual cycle. I would think that this would also hold true when it comes to perimenopause???? I can't find any papers online that address the effect of stress on menopause, so that remains to be seen.

I have to think that going to the gym will help.  Exercise is a great stress-reliever; everybody says so, and I know the truth of this.  So, as we try to get through the next, intense, month, I'm going to test the theory. This will not only ease my stress a great deal, but it is highly beneficial for people living with inflammatory arthritis. It will reduce my overall pain levels, help me sleep, help me relax; I know this for a fact. I've read that exercise will also help ease some of the signs of perimenopause. Not to mention, I want to lose the ten pounds I gained on holiday in July.

So, out of curiosity, I did a Google search on 'marriage and menopause'. I wanted to see if anyone else out there is beginning both at the same time. So far, I've found 16 pages of advice on:

• how to make your marriage survive menopause;
• advice from men to other men on how to survive their wives' menopause;
• remedies for menopause (like it's a disease);
• sex and menopause;
• LOTS of sex and save your marriage from menopause type pages;
• a page on religious women and how spirituality helps them decrease the signs of perimenopause; and
• one lonely blog entry from a woman who met the love of her life when she was 45 and how they eventually got married, but not one word in it about living through menopause at the same time.

The way I see it, I'm on my own with this one. Well, figuratively, anyway. Stress goes hand in hand with planning a wedding. Menopause is stress. So, time to relearn my stress-relief techniques. And exercise, exercise, exercise!

Puberty, Pregnancy & Perimenopause - the Same?

So, I took two days off. It's Labour Day weekend. What can I say.

The emotions of last week have subsided, thank god. I was PMSing. Early. Good grief.

I have never bloated like that before. I mean, I've bloated, but never have my breasts become so tender and heavy feeling. I felt like I was in puberty. Or pregnant. Which I'm not. Thank god. I don't want to have to deal with that at this point in my life.

I always wanted children. When I was 26, I decided that if I hadn't found a man that wanted to be with me for the rest of my life by the time I was 32, I would be artificially inseminated. Then, I turned 32. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I was still single and earning just enough to get by, and I realized that bringing a child into my world at that point in time would be irresponsible beyond belief. 

It's hard for me not to have children. I always felt I was meant to have children. To the marrow of my bones, I felt I was meant to be a mother. It is one of my greatest regrets that I didn't. And now, I'm 47, I have inflammatory arthritis that makes the day hard to get through sometimes and I have trouble looking after my sweetie and me. I don't have it in me to look after a baby, too. Not to mention, I'm at an age when the pregnancy becomes more problematic and the chances of the child being adversely affected are much greater. And, really, the thought of being the mother of a 15 year old when I'm 63 doesn't sit well. My sweetie would be 77! I don't know how my father did it. He was 62 when I was 15 and almost 70 when my sister was.

Actually, if I had been pregnant last week, there would have been a kind of symmetry to it. Dad was 47 when I was born.

So, the signs of puberty, pregnancy and perimenopause are, generally, pretty much the same. Or, at least, affect the same things. I remember one woman saying that puberty didn't give her breasts. She was a double A cup her whole life, until she hit perimenopause. All of a sudden, she had breasts and actually had to go into a bra store to be properly fitted. She'd never really needed a bra before.

You know, the more I learn, the more I realize that I've probably been perimenopausal for several years. It would appear that I am one of those lucky women with mixed incontinence, for instance. Not only have I started having trouble with my bladder leaking when I laugh or sneeze, but I also have sudden urges to go, no matter how long it's been since I last went. Yay. Been like that for almost two years. Well, if that's the case, then I was a little closer to the genetic timeline of the women in my family, than I thought

OK, so I was watching one of those awful wedding reality TV series. This little princess needs, get this, a sports car for her fiance to arrive at the ceremony, a stretch SUV for her to arrive at the ceremony. then she wants a, get this, HELECOPTER to take her and her fiance to the reception so they can arrive in a spectacular way. Good grief. Who needs this???!!! Transportation alone was about $6,000! Her wedding was $23,000 dollars over budget, so the total was over $70,000!!! Oh. My. God. Who has that kind of money? Other than the Schrivers, or the Trumps, or the Kennedys.

We're going to look at one of the venues we're considering this week. We want to check them out now, then shortlist the ones we truly like and go back in January to see what they're like. And I'm hoping to look at dresses with my mother at some point soon. Once I have a shortlist of dresses. We'll need a helecopter to help us get to the various stores easily. They're all over town. Every compass point is covered, with a store or two at each one. Hmmm. I wonder if we can borrow the one they hired for that chick's wedding?

Were Stacey & Clinton Right?

I don't know how much I have to say today. I'm not feeling quite so bloated and I'm on a more even keel emotionally. Thank god.

Last night, for the first time in three years, my sweetie and I had a gym date. We used to go to the gym together every day after work, until he tore his achilles, twice, three years ago. Between that and a whole whack of other issues in the intervening time, I've been unable to go. Something about, it's necessary to be at home to look after things at home. So, I struggled to keep up with my pilates (which I adore, by the way) and to keep going to my dance class (Flamenco, which I've been taking for about ten years). Last year, I had to stop my dance class. I had recurrent chest infections that cause inflammation in my lungs. Breathing is kind of important to dance. Then, just as I was able to start back in January, my sweetie became deathly ill. Then one of life's curve balls hit us upside the head and we've been in crisis mode.

I've done nothing physical since January. I used to do pilates five days a week, dance class one day a week (with hours of practice on weekends), and the gym four or five days a week. This year ... nada, zip, zilch. So, he talked me into joining the Y. I joined last week. Went once last week and had a good stretch, used the recumbant bike, did a few weights. Saturday I went in for a tour; I already know how to use the machines, just needed to know where they were! Finally, yesterday after work, I went in for a workout. Ten minutes on the stationary bike to get my muscles warm, about half an hour of pilates and leg stretches to limber up, and then I did my old leg programme (weight training). It felt really good!! And I feared for my pain levels and stiffness today. But today arrived and it's not so bad. I think walking a 115lb puppy every day is helping with this. LOL But the best part was, we had a gym date!! We've both missed that.

On Saturday, I'm meeting with a personal trainer to discuss my programme and what my goals are. Given that I live with inflammatory arthritis, my goals are pretty simple: stay limber, keep my range of motion, keep my pain levels down (exercise helps this), and look awesome in my wedding dress. I've already told him that I don't do stairs. He has my sweetie and several of our friends on this endurance routine that involves numerous repetitions of the five flights of stairs at the Y. Stairs hurt my ankles and shins. It's not a strength thing, it's pain in the front of my ankles. Been like that my whole life. I hate stairs and if they weren't necessary, I'd avoid them like the plague. Anyway, I'm looking forward to that. Meeting with the personal trainer, not the plague of stairs.

Menopause Herbal No. 2 - Black Cohosh

Photo from District of Saanich website

Studies examined by the Office of Dietary Supplements, for the National Institutes of Health in the US found conflicting results in the various studies. As such, they can't say for sure whether or not it actually works, but it did have some effect, sometimes. Here's a link to that article: NIH on Black Cohosh 

Health Canada has a list of herbal rememdies on its Natural Products database, but I found the information decidedly unhelpful, unless you were looking for adverse effects, in which case, there's a lot of information. Problem is, they list the common names and such, but no information or articles about whether or not a specific herbal has had any studies done, what it's used for, or whether it works. Instead, they list links to studies used, but the link only takes you to monograph information about the study, instead of linking to the actual study.


I've had some lovely feedback from people who've seen my blog thus far. My mother threatened to leave 'mother-type' comments. "Dear god, Mum," I said. "I'm 47 years old. If I can't handle a few motherly remarks by now I'm not worth my salt!"

You know, it would be much less expensive if my sweetie and I were being married during the warm months. We could rent a park space and have the entire thing outside, with a BBQ. My sister did that and it was lovely. However, our saving grace is timing. January and Sundays are two of the cheaper times to book venues. My sweetie thought it would be great to get married outside anyway. Everyone could wear parkas if they got cold and we'd all only be outside for about 15 minutes. I put my foot down. This is the only wedding dress I'm ever going to have and I want it seen while I trade vows with him, not hidden by a down-filled parka! I am thinking about a fur-trimmed cape, however.

You know, it's funny. When all of this started back in July, I searched on line for anything to do with mature women getting married. There isn't much out there. A forum or two. One of the forums I came across had a bunch of women of a certain age talking about picking wedding dresses. Some were divorced or widowed and marrying a second time. Some were happily married, anticipating retaking their vows. Some, few, like me, were getting married for the first time.

From dressale.com

So, they're talking dresses. "What's appropriate for a woman of a certain age," is the burning question. I was surprised (and not, at the same time) how defiant some of them were about wearing whatever-the-hell they wanted. If they wanted a bulbous gown festooned with ribbons and lace, then they were going to wear it, dammit. One woman, renewing her vows, is going to wear the same dress she wore when she was first married. It's a lacy concoction. Made me cringe. She very proudly (and rightly so) said that she could still wear it and hubby thought she looked great. More power to her, but really, I have to ask, is it appropriate? You're renewing your vows, not recapturing the past.

Maybe I'm a fashion stick-in-the-mud, but I believe in dressing in an age-appropriate way. Stacey and Clinton have that dead right. You might have the body to pull off a mini-skirt and belly-baring top, but should you when you're 50? At some point, you have to look in the mirror, see the age showing in your face (and plastic surgery, no matter how good, tends only to make you look like you've had plastic surgery) and grow up fashion-wise. Doesn't mean you have to be all Edwardian about your dressing (or even dress like Ma Barker). You can still have fun with it. Just use common-sense. When it comes to wedding dresses, the simpler, the better. Classic styling, simplicity and a good fit will still show you off. And you won't look like an idiot trying to be something you're not ... which is 22.

One of the good bits of advice I gleaned from these web pages was colour. Why not? It's not like I'm a virgin, which is what the white wedding dress is supposed to denote. Frankly, I think my family would fall off their seats laughing if I came down the aisle in a virginal white wedding dress. Mind you, I found this awesome pink halter - psychadelic colour-swirls, diaphanous fabric, slit up to here. It completely appealed to the magpie in me. They'd laugh their collective asses off if I came up the aisle in that, too, but at least it would be more out of appreciation for me just being who I am. I tried that dress on. I still love it, but no. Not for my wedding. Maybe for a beach holiday, however.