Still Here

So, I thought I should check in. We're doing much better now. My sweetheart and I are working together to come to some kind of resolution.

Our friends are phenomenal. People are stepping up all over the place to help in any way they can. We can't take everyone up on their offers to help, but we appreciate all of them. Thank you so much!!!

Funny, they say that times like this in one's life show one who the friends truly are. We are blessed and rich with friends. Not to mention friends of friends whom we've never met who are horrified by what is happening and just want to help some way, any way they can.

It's been a bit overwhelming for both of us. All the love and compassion. Not completely unexpected, but the scope ... well, it goes beyond anything we've ever experienced before. It is a balm in particularly rough moments.

In the meantime, as Remembrance Day approaches I find myself thinking increasingly of my father and great-uncle, of the men in my sweetheart's family, all of whom served during the two great wars and in other conflicts and ways.

My great uncle was 17 when he was killed at Vimy Ridge. He lied about his age to join because he cared, as so many young men did, about what was happening. He knew it was wrong, so he did his bit and fought for his country. I have photographs of him in uniform, taken just before he shipped out. So young. So full of life and laughter. And I have the memorial card and bronze medallion from the King, sent to his family after he was killed not much more than a year later.

My father served during WWII. He was 24 when he enlisted. I have photographs of him in uniform, too, taken on his base. He told many stories of his years in the army; all of them humorous. He wouldn't talk about the more serious aspects of his service. Wouldn't. He abhorred the things he had to do, but he did them because it was what was required to defend his country, his way of life.

I look at our veterans and I wear my poppy proudly, to honour them, to honour the men in my family, to honour the sacrifices they all made fighting for the country they loved. The country I love. Passionately.

I don't recognize it, anymore. The Canada we have created is no longer the gentle, peace-loving, fair and just society that our veterans fought so hard to protect, to help create. We weren't a perfect country, there were warts and boils, but we could look in the mirror with pride.

I have no pride in my country today.  In seeking to be a more fair and more just society, our governments have created a monster that nobody wants to look in the face. Nobody wants to recognize it, because we created it. We elected the officials who did this. We are all responsible. Every Canadian. I'm glad my father isn't here to see this. I'm glad. He would be devastated, I think. He gave his innocence serving this country. I lost mine living in it, as has my sweetheart.

I still wear my poppy with pride. Those who went before deserve that. Those who serve today, deserve that. I wear it for them. To honour all of them.

The rest of us need to take a good long, honest look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we are willing to live with the way things have turned out, or fight for the country we love. The country we thought we were living in. Only we can make these changes. Only we can stand up, look our governments in the face and tell them that we don't like what they've done in our names. It is wrong. It must be redressed.

In the meantime, my sweetheart and I are working together to find a positive path through all of this.

We're Hanging In

We still haven't heard anything. My sweetie has the Sword of Damacles hanging over his head and the not knowing when it will fall is becoming extremely difficult to bear.

He has turned a corner, now. He started thinking more clearly a couple of days ago. Started making phone calls. People are trying to help us get a family law specialist to talk to us so we aren't just flailing about in the dark. We don't know how to handle this at this point. He's frightened.

I'm back at work, better able to concentrate now that my sweetie has surfaced. But I'm frightened and worried all the time. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I'll wake up and laugh at how real it all seemed. But it is real. I'm not going to wake up. We're trying to make plans, make decisions these last 24 hours and I have trouble focussing because a part of me is waiting for it all to be proved unreal.

Neither of us is eating properly. It's bad enough for me, but his blood sugar is completely messed up.

Anyway, I just wanted to update you. We are starting to move forward a little. Not fast enough. Not for what we're facing. But at least we are starting to do things.

I Can't Be There for My Boy

It's breaking his heart. He feels betrayed by his country. The emotional anguish is almost more than he can bear. We just sit here, waiting for the summons. It's all we can do.

We had a call from his son yesterday from his post at basic training. He needed his dad. He wanted to let him know that next Saturday, we can see him as he'll be accessible. But my sweetheart may be in jail. My stepson needs to see his dad, and his dad can't be there for him.

My stepson and his wife are having a baby in January. My sweetheart is going to have a granddaughter, whose birth he will  more than likely miss. Who he will barely know. Who will never know what an amazing man her grandfather is because of this sentence. He will not be the same man after too much of this. He will not survive too much of this.

My stepson graduates from basic in February. We're supposed to be there. It's an important day. My sweetheart will more than likely be in jail.

It's the waiting. Not knowing what's going to happen next. "My country is trying to kill me!!!" I hold him as he grieves. For that is what we are doing right now. Grieving. I hold him. He holds me. I hold him, our friends hold me. Our friends hold us. They've been here these last few days. Our Sarah, Patricia and Lizbeth. Heidi, Kat, Geoff and Cat wanted to come, but it was too  much. He's a proud man and it's hard for him to allow people to see him right now.

Section 12 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms says, "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment." IF THIS ISN'T CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, WHAT IS!!!

If threatening a man with jail for non-payment of a debt, then by the wording of the said order, the man is deprived of the ability to get a job to try to make those payments, then throwing him in jail for not making the payments isn't cruel and unusual treatment and punishment, WHAT IS?!!!

Section 7 of the Charter of Rights says, "Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice."

If denying a man the ability to present evidence and cross-examine the other side's evidence, then holding fast to the 'official record', which contains only the court/woman's side, as the only authority in the case and using it to exact a punishment that is cruel and unusual isn't a breach of Section 7, WHAT IS??!!! HOW IS THAT IN KEEPING WITH FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF JUSTICE?

He finally started truly expressing what is inside him yesterday. The pain, the anguish. The rage. "I'M A GOOD MAN!!" And he is. That's the thing. Things happen in life, mistakes, bad decisions; ramifications follow. But when judges in a court of law use their power to ruin someone's life without taking into account that man's life, his true circumstances, it's horrible. It's wrong.

The Charter of Rights and Freedoms has no bearing in family court. None. How do we fight this? How, when the top judges in the province have decided it was all done legally and rightly? How? We have no energy to do it.

We are here ... just

Thank you so much to all of you for your support. So many of you are talking about publicity, fundraising, trying to come up with concrete suggestions. My mother has read the ruling now and feels that this is payback for mistakes made when all of this first began, when Brian had inadequate legal counsel at best because he couldn't think straight and couldn't afford to pay all the time, and no counsel at all when his funds and health ran out altogether. He pissed some people off and now they're getting their own back. Because the ruling is unanimous, there is definitely no recourse to the Supreme Court. I cannot yet bear to read the ruling. He's broken because of it. We are just sitting here, waiting for the summons.We don't know how long the first stint in jail will be, but we do know that even if it's only 15 days and they give him his meds, it will take weeks to recover. By then, he'll have been summoned again and he'll be back in jail. It will take longer every time he comes out for him to recover and in the meantime, he'll still be unable to get a job to try to pay anything of the costs, let alone the ordered payments.

It will kill him. It may not be immediate, but it will.

And so we sit here. And we try to do normal things, like eating and walking the dog, cleaning the cat litter. But mostly we sit here, helpless, hopeless. Unable to do anything, because there's nothing we can do. Except pay. Which we can't because there is no money. So, we sit here.

This is not the country I love. This is not the country I grew up in, proud to be a part of. When I travelled, I wore the flag on my napsack, proud to have it there. No  more.

We need new input. We've talked ourselves around in circles. My bosses will only put up with me being off work for so long, and then I have to go back. We can't even come up with a plan right now.

We need help. I can't even come close to thinking clearly about things like publicity and fundraising. All I can do is hold my sweetheart and give him all the love I can.

I would love to make this a cause, what is happening to men in this province. I can't. I have to focus on my sweetie right now. We had hoped that this case would serve to shed light, help make change, but right now, I can't do what it takes. I don't know what it takes. All those other families who have been impacted by rulings like this, all those other men ... people say the two of us are strong, formidable. We're not right now. We're hurting and feel so alone.

I'm asking for help here. I need to brainstorm with other human beings. I need to meet. Here at the house. As messy as it is right now. We need outside input and we need to talk turkey (no pun intended given that it's Thanksgiving week in Canada).

Now I Understand

This is why they do it. I know that now. The ones who don’t survive. The ones who lie down on the railway track and wait to die. This is why.  The utter hopelessness of it.

I’ve always believed in holding on to hope. Today there is none.

When your government tells a man that not only are they going to make it impossible for him to work, but then they’re going to jail him for non-payment of spousal support and he’ll live in a nightmare revolving door to a jail cell for the rest of his life, this is when hope dies.  This is when they put a bullet through their heads.  This is when they lay down to die.

Only, I’m not a man. I’m a woman in love with a wonderful man who’s had to watch the nightmare unfold. Who’s fought along side him as best as possible. Who’s taken on insurmountable debt to pay legal fees in a failed attempt to get Family Court to listen.  My sweetie, under the order that the Court of Appeal upheld yesterday, will spend the rest of his life unable to work to even try to make the incredibly inflated support payments and then will be sent to jail for 15 days for every missed monthly payment and 30 days for every missed quarterly payment on the arrears.  The awards currently amount to three quarters of a million dollars.  The monthly payments are $3,000.  He’s 62 and in a fragile state of health and will be going to jail because an over-zealous court decided that he’s worth more than he really is, based on no evidence of his.  Just her word.  They’ve never heard his evidence, taken note of his financial or medical filings.  Never.  That was their decision.  They acted on it.  And now, my sweetie is an undischarged bankrupt who has never been able to make the court ordered payments, and he has been handed a life sentence.  The Family Responsibility Office says, “Nobody ever does the entire time in jail.  After a few days the money always shows up.”  But, all these 15 day and 30 day stints in jail add up when you have no money to pay.  300 days a year for the rest of his life (there was no end date to the payment orders for a relationship that lasted less than three years). 

I don’t know how many men have completely lost hope because of the way the family court system works here.  I know two others from the same jurisdiction as has thrown the book at my sweetie.  I’ve read of several others.  Now, I understand.

Public policy is based in ideology.  The ideology was put into place by a government trying to curry favour.  The ideology is an insult to women because it assumes that we are victims.  The ideology is an insult to women because in an attempt to balance a wrong, another wrong has been created.  But it’s OK, because this ideology based public policy gives women all the power.  You know what?  I don’t want the power!  Especially if it punishes and victimizes another group!  That is tyranny.  That is the law under which we live.  The tribunal at the Court of Appeal on September 28, 2011, knew what was happening was wrong.  They knew.  It was obvious to everyone there in the statements they made and the questions they asked.  They knew.  Yet still, they upheld to the letter the Family Court rulings that put my sweetie in this position.  They knew, but they didn’t have the courage of their convictions to stand up and say, “This.  Is.  Wrong.”

My sweetie and I are no longer planning our wedding.  We are just trying to find a way to get through the day.  All we want is to live our lives together.  Now, our government is making that virtually impossible with the support of our courts.

Now, I understand why they just lay down and die.

Wedding Dresses Through Time

I keep coming back to the dress. Frankly, it's the only thing I can really look at right now until some other things in our lives are settled. And it's fun. Fun it good.

So, I thought I'd look into what women wore to their weddings in historical periods.

 The first two dresses are Elizabethan, so late 1500s-early 1600s, give or take.

I love the detail of the dress on the right, but you can see where some modern wedding dress designers took inspiration in the split overskirt.

 The picture on the left is a wedding party in the 1600s, in Strassbourg, Germany. No white there, either, but you can see the real divergence in style between England and Germany.

And with the bride on the right, also from the 1600s, you can see the glorious fabrics used in her dress. The overdress looks to be velvet and quite luxurious.

 These two dresses are from the late 1700s. The panier on the dress to the right, from 1774, would have made it necessary for the bride to go through the church doors sideways!!

But the fabrics are gorgeous. I love the use of brocades and textures in these.

By the early 1800s, the Empire waist was in vogue. The dress on the left, from the Georgian period is a great example. Again, you can see inspiration for wedding dress designers today in this dress.

But the dress worn by Queen Victoria when she married her beloved Prince Albert in 1840 is when the white wedding dress craze began. At least for the rich. Not everyone wore them at that point, but it was the beginning. The middle classes and the poor wore darker colours that would be wearable and servicable for years.

I'm going to stop this post here. I have about 55,000 other photos to share, but I fear they will clog your servers!! Suffice to say, not one of these dresses inspires me. I really am looking for something more simple, but what fun to look at!

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends here in Canada. I hope you have a wonderful long weekend. I rather doubt I'll be posting until next Tuesday, as I'll be out of internet range with my family for the weekend. Luckily, I'm not getting married for a while yet, so I can eat all the turkey I want!

Honest to Pete

OK, did any of you ever watch "The Tick"? It was a cartoon that ran for a little over two years, from September 1994 to November 1996; a lovely spoof on superheros. The Tick (the hero, inept but oddly effective, loosely based on Superman) had a sidekick, The Moth (Arthur, inept, nerd, much smarter than the hero) and a coderie of superhero friends, including All American Maid (based on Wonder Woman, her shoe was an awesome boomerang), saved the world on a regular basis. The Tick spent a great deal of time coming up with his superhero cry, but the best he could come up with was, "Spoon!" Anyway, in one episode, The Tick fought the common cold. It was one of the grossest things I have ever seen, as his arch-rival was a glob of mucus (I tried to find an image online, but couldn't). "What's the point," you might ask. I feel like The Tick in that episode. Utterly inept and fighting mucus that threatens to take over the world. Oh. Wait. That was Pinky and The Brain. Oh well. You get the point.

What does any of that have to do with the subjects of this blog? Other than leaving me completely uninspired to write anything, not much. At least, not on the surface. I thought I'd look into menopause and immunity and see what I came up with. Did you know that the lowering of estrogen affects our immune systems? Changes in the immune system during menopause and aging was a study done at the Department of Gynaecology and Obstetrics, Garcia de Orta's Hospital, Almada, Portugal. The abstract I've linked you to concludes, "Recent studies indicate several changes in immune response, either with suspension of hormone therapy or with its replacement at menopause."

This article in Science Direct,

Menopause and aging: Changes in the immune system—A review, finds the same thing. The results of the review found that "After menopause, there is an increase in pro-inflammatory serum markers (IL1, IL6, TNF-alpha), an increase in response of the immune blood cells to these cytokines, ..." The underline is mine, by the way. This is particularly interesting to me because the medication I'm on for my arthritis is called a TNF-alpha inhibitor, or biologic. TNF-alpha, loosely put, is the part of the immune system that is sent out to destroy alien invaders, usually a virus or bacteria. In the case of someone living with an inflammatory autoimmune-based arthritis, the immune system is blocked from sending them out, so they can't destroy our joints. What's going to happen as my estrogen gets lower, thereby, according to this article, creating more TNF-alpha? This is interesting, because TNF-a proliferates in a womans reproductive system, as well as in the brains of people with longterm depression.

 

Which reminds me, I can't take my dose of medication on Saturday morning, since my rheumatologist told me at my appointment yesterday that I shouldn't since I'm sick and I've had two chest infections in the past year. That's one of the adverse effects of the biologic medications in some people - an increase in infections.

 

Back to TNF-a ... I wonder if the increase in this isn't partly responsible for some of the things menopausal women experience. Jeepers creepers, another thing to research.

 

You know, now that I look more closely at the two links I provided in this post, I think they're about the same study. I'm going to keep them both, just in case.

 

Either they've put the heat on here, which I can't imagine since it's gorgeously warm outside, or I'm having a hot flash as I type.

 

I WANNA GO HOME!!!

Brain Dead

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. Brain dead. I feel absolutely no impetus to do anything. So, since I'm home today, that's pretty much what I'm doing. My cold is feeling a bit better. More in my nose than anywhere else at this point. Thank goodness.

I flared at my sweetie a little while ago. Went right off the handle. He was great about it, and while I had reason to be irritated, I didn't need to react the way I did. It wasn't fair. Bless him, he had the courage to sit next to me and eat his lunch. It was a menopause moment, I'm relatively certain. Once I'd calmed down, I realized how silly I was being and did what he'd asked me to do.

I found an interesting webpage on menopause. Body and Health at Canada.com. Pretty good overview. Talks about alternative ways of dealing with the various symptoms. Except mood swings. Darnit.

I'm pretty sure I've had some hot flashes recently. Felt hot, broke out into a sweat, and felt cold at the same time. It was weird. And I've been throwing off the covers in bed at night. I know this because at some point, I wake up cold and pull them back over myself. Now that the events of last week are over, I can get into a routine again. Start a Tai Chi class, get to the gym more regularly, start my dance class again. Perhaps I'll start drinking a calming herbal tea in the evenings. And get more information on Mindful Meditation.

Actually, I teach a form of this at the course I teach for The Arthritis Society, so I've got a good start on it. As I understand Mindful Meditation, it involves being fully present in the moment. The version we talk about in the course involves tensing and relaxing various muscle groups in a progression from the toes to the top of your head, while doing deep relaxation breathing. Tense as you inhale, relax as you exhale and allow the tension to leave.

I like the meditation as described in this article on the Shambalah Sun website. It keeps the focus on the breathing, and you are actively focussing on the breathing. And this article in The Globe & Mail discusses a couple of studies that have been done that show that mindfulness meditation can help people who are recovering from depression stave off another bout of depression. There's a course taught to patients in recovery at CAMH (the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto). Actually, I've tried doing the form I teach when I go to bed at night. I keep falling asleep before I'm done. So, I think I'd better find another time of day. If it helps me combat mood swings and hot flashes, not to mention calming my alpha wave activity during sleep, it's a good thing.

I'd sick

Good grief. You know it's coming. It always does. Especially after a period of massive longterm stress, but for some reason, the stress cold always takes you by surprise. It came on yesterday. Over about 90 minutes my body fell apart. I went home early from work. My sweetie made a special trip downtown to pick me up because I was so miserable. I took today off work and tomorrow. I had to cancel my visit with my therapist today, since I was not going to be leaving the house, but I have an appointment with my rheumatologist tomorrow that I must go to. It was booked months ago and he needs to know some things.

Anyway, I spent all day on the couch looking at wedding stuff. Talked to a venue. Quizzed a friend about his wedding last July (he's as sick as me, by the way). I shall have to sit down with his bride and pick her brains. They made a lot of decisions that my sweetie and I really liked. Went to theknot.com. I love their magazine by the way. Not the usual fluff and froufrou. Bored myself stupid with it, as you can imagine after eight hours of non-stop wedding. Got some ideas, tho.

And my period started yesterday as well. Not a banner day. But it was right on time. I think I didn't notice my PMS last week, since I was already so overwrought it slipped under the radar. My sweetie didn't miss it, tho. He can sense my hormonal shifts and in the week prior to my period becomes extremely amorous.

So, that's where it stands. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel more like a proper post, but I wanted to touch base today. I felt badly about not posting yesterday. Frankly, between the cold and the rum-laced hot toddy my sweetie made me last night, I was in no shape to think about anything.

And So, We Begin Again



Wednesday went pretty well. As well has it could have under the circumstances. Thank you for the white light, love, support, positive energy. We felt it and it helped.

I look forward to being fully able to talk about this. It really does need a public airing, but again, common-sense must prevail. We don't know the outcome yet and I don't want to jynx anything.



Suffice to say that my sweetie has never before in his life actually felt energy and white light coming to him ... until Wednesday. It was a day of firsts and that was not the least of them. You all rock!!

THANK YOU!



Now, on with life.



I had my pap smear this morning. Yay. Actually, this was the easiest one I've ever had. No discomfort at all. I lay back, we were talking about Wednesday's events, then it was over ... in about 10 seconds flat! She's very good about warming the speculum, which really helps. She confirmed that I'm perimenopausal. Well, I knew that, didn't I.

So, we were watching some female stand-up comic the other night and she was talking about having her pap smear. She completely alienated me with this; not the subject matter, but in how she talked about it. She's in her 40s at least, maybe late 30s, so she's an adult. But when she said 'pap smear' her voice got all whispery and little girly, she even lithped the 's' on 'smear'. I'm sorry, how old are you???!!! You say you're a mother and you can't say 'pap smear' in an adult tone of voice? Puhlease! Get over it. She probably calls her period 'Aunt Flow' or 'Aunt Rose'. Her vagina is probably her 'beautiful lady flower' or her 'hoo-ha'. If she has a son, he's probably completely confused about what to call his penis: his wee-wee, maybe his pee-pee?



Honestly, it is incredible to me that people are embarassed about these things. These are human biology and physiology words, folks. They aren't curse words, or nasty dirty things to talk about in dark corners. They're body parts and biological functions. Can't you just hear it? "Oh no, you can't put your weaner in my whispering eye tonight, I'm going with my flow." Makes me gag just thinking about it.

ANYWAY ...



My sweetie has specifically requested that he choose the wine for the wedding. He did that last night, actually. A very dear friend bought us dinner in a nice restaurant to celebrate the end game on Wednesday. We had a 2003 Travaglini Gattinara that was marvelous. Now, I have no taste buds for wine, got mine from my mother. Generally, neither of us can tell the difference between a $10 bottle of red and a $100 bottle of red. But every so often, we can. Last night was one of those times. The nose was heavy and fruity, so I wasn't expecting at all that it would be so very light on the palate. I was almost unaware of it. It was amazing.

Actually, I'm not sure what was more amazing; the wine, or the fact that I noticed a difference!

My sweetie will definitely be choosing the wines for the wedding.



We're probably going to keep any alcohol simple. Red and white wines, champagne for the toasts (if we can pull it off, he'd like to have a Pol Roger), perhaps Guiness and Harp, maybe an ale, also a cider, and of course non-alcoholic beverages.

Our menu is going to be interesting. If everyone we invite attends, we'll need, gluten-free (which we do anyway for me), vegan and vegetarian (which technically can be the same dish) options. And I don't want the vegetarian options to be the usual schlock that is served at big functions - mushroom risotto that looks about as appetizing as ... well I can't think of anything that unappetizing actually (nothing against mushroom risotto, perse, the mushroom risotto I had last night as part of my antipasto was STUNningly good). And I want the cake gluten-free (and vegetarian if possible). There are some amazing gluten-free cake recipes out there.

And back to dresses ... thought I'd look into red. How about these?



Darius Cordell Gown



Dresses Online

Reem Acra

We'll see. In the meantime, I'm still having fun looking!

Not Much Time, So Much to Say

My friends, for my sweetie and me this week will see the culmination of a seven month ordeal. Some of you know what's been going on; others, sadly, will have to stay in the dark for the moment. Suffice to say that it is not good for stress levels; although, admittedly, my sweetie and I have been doing all right the past week. The end game is here and the result will  be what it will be. All we can do is our best, which we will, have no doubt about it. We're being pretty philosophical about it, actually. And he was incredible over my very slight meltdown last week.

My sweetie knows this has been hard on me, as I know it's been hard on him. We've supported one another through it. I haven't been letting him actually see me melt down to this point (last week was a bit of an aberration), as I'm trying to be a good 'soldier's wife'. You know what I mean. Your man is going off to wage battle and the last thing he needs to see as he sets off is his wife weeping in fear for him, tearing her hair out and beating her chest - mourning him in advance.

I will try to update this blog every day as I have been, but don't really expect to be able to on Wednesday at the very least. One day, I'll tell the story of this ordeal, but I am constrained right now by ... I guess common-sense more than anything.

Thankfully, I've been reading bridal magazines and watching silly wedding reality TV (my sweetie actually pointed one out to me, which knowing his aversion to all things reality TV, especially bridal shows, stunned me - 'Bridezilla' promises to be interesting and fun). They are providing a fair bit of entertainment and he does get a chuckle out of some of my gasps of disgust (at some truly horrid dress) and frustration (over yet another 'princess bride' dress). I'm not certain he understands why I also gasp in appreciation over some really lovely gown - not that he doesn't get me liking it, but he doesn't get why I like it.

And I've been rethinking my dress. Again. Good god. I was talking to a dear friend at the weekend and realized as I was talking why (or one reason why) I'm having so much trouble getting over the fact that so many of the dresses look to have been designed with a little girl's wedding fantasy in mind. I never got to search for my fantasy wedding dress. My first wedding is happening at a point when many women my age are renewing their vows or being married for a second (or third) time. I missed out on the chance to wear the stunning ballgown wedding dress with a mountain of tulle and lots of beading and rhinestones/crystals. I have a feeling part of me resents the hell out of missing out on that when I was younger, as accepting as I've been of it to this point. Now, I have to figure out what the hell I want as the woman I am now, instead of as the girl-woman I was 25 years ago - she's the one who wants a 'princess bride' dress.

So, there you are. Pray for us this week. Send strength. Send white light and love. We'll feel it all come in, have no doubt.

OK, Slightly Less Bitchy Today

A friend at the office is getting married soon. We were talking about our plans; her at the end of her planning, me just beginning. I was telling her about yesterday's post on bridal magazines, which is actually one of the reasons I started this blog. She laughed and said that those magazines were useless for her for the same reasons! Now, she's about 15 years younger than me (maybe closer to 20), so I was amazed that she felt the same way. She recounted a story about being in high school and having to plan a wedding with her partner. They had to budget for an apartment and a car, as well as for the wedding. "Those magazines were perfect when I was 16!" she laughed. "Now, I don't see the point."

Being from Canada, she figures there's no point in looking at bridal mags from the States. We can't buy any of the stuff anyway. She chuckled when I told her that Canadian Brides magazine was full of ads for stores in the States. She agreed with my assessment of Elegant Weddings, out of Toronto. But then, she told me about Toronto Life Magazine's Wedding Guide. She said it was great.

So, I checked it out online. It is great. There's a super interview with caterer, Arpi Magyar, that has several really good tips for saving money and making your dinner go smoothly. A lovely set of suggestions on bouquets and boutonieres, as well as wedding cakes. And a lovely piece with Andrea Anastasiou, the owner of a bridal shop in Yorkville called White, talking about picking your dress. I might actually buy the 2011 version.

Still nothing for the bride of a certain age, but some truly useful suggestions. By the way, my friend confirmed the florist thing I mentioned yesterday. She advised me to only pick flowers that are in season (which in the winter will be difficult, but I get the drift); she actually ran her hand down her face in weariness on this one. She's doing exacty what the article I mentioned yesterday suggested; buying the entire bulk order of the flowers she ordered and using them around the venue.

I know her day is going to be fantastic. She's put a lot into it. I have a feeling my day is also going to be wonderful. Just have to get through the next 15 months!

A Bit on Bridal Magazines

OK, so I bought a few more this week. I was curious to see if my initial impression (that they are put together with 22 year olds in mind) was correct. In the main, I was right. Most of them really are written for much younger girls.

Take Wedding Bells, for instance. I don't need '500 pretty ideas'; I need a thousand mature ones! Really, I looked through the magazine. Not one of them was suitable.

And finding your PERFECT DRESS ... well, I've said it before ... only if you're 12!

At least it's Canadian.

I bought Brides because, what the heck, what is the most flattering dress for my figure? Hmmm ... kind of boyish with bigger breasts. The closest I could come was one for an hour glass figure (the one for a boyish figure had stuff to make the breasts look larger), mainly based in a mermade shape. What about the one I really want, with an A-line. Will that suit my figure?

At least there are budgeting ideas in this one. Haven't read them yet, but I'm looking forward to it!

I didn't actually buy this one. It's an offshoot of the previous one. I like that they do local magazines. It's much more helpful when you know the shops and services are actually accessible by car (or public transit).

But really, is this girl even 20?!!

 Today's Bride is another Canadian magazine. I'm always glad to see these, for the same reason as I like the idea of a local version of a national bridal magazine. I have a hope in hell of getting to their listed stores!

And, I might even actually have a chance at the Turqs & Caicos honeymoon. That would be awesome! Totally!!! Really, I do mean that. The Turqs & Caicos are beautiful. And they were almost a Canadian protectorate back in teh late 80s/early 90s.

But really, is the girl on the front a real human being?

THEN!! I found this one.

Elegant Wedding is based out of Toronto, which is great because I can get to all the services providers and shops quite easily. The editor has some fairly edgy ideas (read: not saccharine sweet) that are more sophisticated in nature (read: not for little girls). I'm really enjoying this one and look forward to reading more.

Only problem is that her 'real' wedding profiles are not for the faint of wallet. Not much in this magazine is. It's definitely high-end.

I might actually buy this one again!

I can't remember which magazine it was now, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the American ones. Anyway, they had a fabulous feature on flowers. Did you know that if you want a slightly out of the ordinary flower in your arrangement, one that the florist doesn't usually carry, you might end up paying more than you realize? They have to buy in some bulk, you see, and every flower they receive has to get special treatment according to its type. If you want one or two of that flower, you'll probably still pay for every one the florist had to order. This magazine suggested that since you're paying for them, take them all and use them in vases around the venue. I like that. Practical AND pretty! I'm going to double-check with my favorite florist here, however, just to make sure.

I think my post today is sounding a little bitchy. I'm sorry if it does. I'm over-worked right now. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Back to Breasts

So, my sweetie loves my new breasts. They're much fuller these days.

"I lvoe your new breasts!" he exclaimed. I started feeling oddly shy and made some comment reflecting that. I think I even blushed, for god sake.

"Look at you. You're 12 again," he laughed. And you know? He was right. Suddenly, I was 12 years old again and feelign shy about my changing body.  Only this time, I know pretty much who I am and am confident in that. It makes a huge difference.

Still, these new breasts tick me off a little. I mean, I had reduction surgery for crying out loud. There was a reason for that! But I'm not really upset, just really irritated.

So, what the hell is this all about, anyway?

According to what I've read, women get fuller/swollen, more tender breasts in perimenopause due to excess estrogen. If that's the case, my estrogen has been in excess mode for a month now! Another article I found said that my estrogen was too low. So what the heck??! Frustratingly, that was about all I found. Most articles or webpages talk about tender breasts, breast cancer and hot flashes. Very few can explain the mechanism behind it. So, I'm going to take it as it comes on this one. If anyone has any input, I'd appreciate it.

I looked into Evening Primrose Oil, as one of the articles I found indicated that this could be helpful. Unfortunately, the studies show otherwise. Or more correctly, they are inconclusive. This article, from Medline Plus says that it's a good dietary source of essential fatty acids, it's possibly effective on breast pain (but not longterm breast pain), and possibly ineffective on hot flashes and night sweats.

The website Menopause A to Z talks about studies having been done, including a huge one ($80,000,000) by a pharmaceutical company in Canada, but it doesn't link us to the study, or the findings or anything that will tell us what the outcomes were. It does say that many women do find benefit in taking Evening Primrose Oil, and I infer from the article that this could be due to the essential fatty acids present in it. Apparently, menopausal women are lacking in these fatty acids, so the health benefits of taking Evening Primrose Oil might be good just for that alone.

As for me and my new breasts? In the meantime, I'm going to see what I can come up with on the medical side of it. There has to be a reason this happens and there has to be a webpage somewhere that can answer my questions. Doesn't there?

I figure I'll just have fun for the time being. I haven't changed cup sizes, just fill in what I have a bit better. There have to be perqs, right?

General Musing

I saw my psychologist today. She's very pleased with my progress when it comes to quitting smoking. That was good. I showed her the picture of my EEG activity during my sleep study and she was stunned at how busy it was. All in all, a good visit.

I'm still researching wedding dresses. Found some interesting sites and when I have a comprehensive list, I'll post it here. But I do want to highlight one designer I found today. Claire Pettibone has some truly interesting dresses.

Some are quite whimsical, others more kind of traditional, but all of them have lovely details and many are sophisticated in nature. I pulled these two photos off her website.

Today's search started because I got the idea of a convertible or break away wedding dress. You know, the kind where the skirt can be partially removed and you're left with a shorter dress. 

From weddinggirl.ca

I like this idea and will look into it more. So far, however, the dress remaining after the break away is removed is quite short, like the one above. I have good legs and, apparently, according to my sweetie, a great ass, but I'm not sure I could get away with this one!

Fergie from DavidTuterabyFaviana.com

This is a more traditional-looking convertible dress by David Tutera. It's a little frilly for my liking, but a good example of what I mean. Believe it or not, I got this idea watching the tv show "Four Weddings" on the weekend. Yes, I subjected my sweetie to this first thing Sunday morning. He put up with it, with a little grumbling. It's an interesting idea and I'm going to look into it more.

And then there's this one from Jasmine Couture.


I like this one because it converts into a full-length gown instead of a mini-dress!

It's a little more adult, more classic
looking.



So, the options are out there. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want. I think that's probably the first step! Grrr. I hate making this kind of decision. At least I have some time.

The Quest for Good Sleep

So, I snore. In fact, that's why I had the sleep study last winter. My sweetie was convinced I have sleep apnoea. I don't. When it comes to snoring, what I have, I'm relatively certain, is allergies. My snoring always, always, gets worse if I haven't had an opportunity to vacuum and dust the bedroom for a few weeks. Like the last few weeks.

I use those 'Breathe Right' strips and they do help, but not completely.  I've taken to having an antihistamine before bed. That usually helps.

On Saturday, I cleaned the bedroom. I vacuumed. I dusted. I wiped down with a damp cloth. I didn't take an antihistamine Saturday night and didn't need one. So, last night, I also chose not to take one. Bad move.



How I do wake up
photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net



 My sweetie reads in bed at night. So do I. I'm frequently asleep long before him and I always know when I've been snoring because he shoves my shoudler and I hear him saying my name in an irritably plaintive fashion. Last night, I was deeply asleep when this happened and I woke up pissed off. He thinks it's hormone-related. I think it's being awakened from a deep sleep. Either way, it isn't pretty. Especially when I have to get up in five hours. Last night, my reaction was so strong that he told me I looked insane. He actually looked shocked and a little fearful. I told him, "I don't care!!" 



How we both wish I woke up.
Photo by Dan
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm not sure how to handle this one. I'm already doing everything I can about the snoring. And, I'm sorry, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to be reasonable when jolted out of a deep sleep (well, as deep as I ever get, anway). This is going to take some thought.





I've started looking into Mindful Meditation. There's been some truly good research on this. Here's a paper published on Academia.edu by the NIH: Mindfulness Research Update And the neuro at the sleep clinic also suggested I get some discs by this doctor: Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn 

 It occurs to me as I write this today that my pissed off reactions at being awakened at night might be based in the whole alpha EEG thing. If I'm constantly in fight or flight mode, then being awakened would create a huge spike in adrenalin, wouldn't it? Hmmmm. I wake up ready for a fight, ready for danger? It does make sense. I wonder if the mindful meditation would help with this. It might, rabbit. It might. 




Photo by smoked salmon

at FreeDigitalPhotos.net



Sunrise, Sunset

One of my aunts is turning 70 tomorrow. One of my uncles turned 70 in May. My other aunt and uncle aren't far behind. When did that happen? How did that happen? Wasn't it yesterday when I was a little girl and they were in their 20s?

Good grief! I feel like someone out of Fiddler on the Roof. It's 'Sunrise, Sunset' in reverse!

In 20-odd years, I'll be the same age.  Boy, 20 years isn't such a long time to me at this point, it being less than half my life. When I was 20, 20 years was forever. I'm not one of those that frets or gets weird about aging.  It's happening and short of either a miracle or dying, there's no way to stop it.  Since death isn't an option (especially since I'm under strict orders from my sweetie not to die before him) and miracles such as that don't happen, I'll age and I'll do it gracefully.  But my family, the people who have been in my life my whole life, are almost as old as my grandmotehr and father were when they died. I don't ... that isn't sitting well. Suddenly, I feel ten years old again.

You know, I was 14 when my period started. I remember the exact moment. We were at Nana's and had been swimming in the pool at the lodge. I went to the washroom and there it was.

"MU-U-UM!!!" I shrieked as I raced back outside. Every woman there knew what had happened. So did I. I'd seen the movies in health class and had been waiting for it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. Mum took me up to the house and, using some of her supplies, showed me what to do with what.

When each of my nieces started her period, my sister took them out for a special day to celebrate. Sort of a welcome to womanhood. I liked that. Makes it special instead of something to be dreaded.

It occurs to me that I won't have that kind of memory when my period ends.  One day, I'll just realize that it's been over a year since I had one. That's that. Kind of anti-climactic when you think about it. There should be fireworks to mark the day.  You know, I believe it's the Chinese who say that a person isn't an adult until he or she has reached the age of 50. Is it a coincidence that a woman's period ends around that age? So, maybe a 'welcome to adulthood' party.

Kwan Yin, (Guanyin in Chinese) in Buddhism is the bodhisattva of Compassion. Her name generally means 'the one who hears the cries of the world'. In English, she tends to be known as the Goddess of Mercy.

I'm not sure why, but as I wrote today's post, she kept coming to my mind. Thought I'd share her with you. She's known for kindness; she's a mother-goddess and patron of mothers and seamen.

Patron of Mothers. I like that.

On the Importance of Sleep

So, I had a sleep study done some months ago and finally had the follow-up today. Apparently, I have Fibromyalgia, which I already knew since it is a secondary diagnosis to my inflammatory arthritis. Anyway, this is the first time something conclusive has come up in a sleep study (although there was a sign of it back during my last sleep study in 2003). They found two things: moderate alpha EEG Sleep Disorder and Severe Periodic EEG Sleep Disorder. Alpha waves occur all the time when you're awake. They're part of the fight or flight impulse, constantly monitoring for danger and what's going on around you. In most people, they stop during sleep. In me, they don't, which means I'm not getting into stages 4 and 5 of sleep - basically, the recuperative levels of sleep when your body repairs itself. Not only that, but I have periodic spikes in brain activity that bring me almost to full consciousness.

Photo from Healthadel.com

What the doctor at the sleep clinic told me is that I need to boost my para-sympathetic system to ease the constant feeling of fight or flight anxiety. Mindful meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga, Relaxation techniques will all be extremely beneficial for me. The doctor didn't feel that Pilates would be relaxing, except that I find it so because it focusses my brain in much the same way Tai Chi does. I loved Tai Chi when I was doing it all the time, by the way. My god it's wonderful. A moving meditation. I don't meditate easily. I get bored and the monkeys start chattering away. Same thing happens when I do Yoga, by the way. I was bored stupid when I was doing it. Anyway, when I have movement to focus on (yes, I know, Yoga is movement, but it's boring movement), it quiets the chattering monkeys and allows me to relax. The doctor also suggested I work with a naturopath actively again, so I'm going to think about that.

What I find interesting is that the techniques that will help keep me de-stressed when in the midst of perimenopausal crap will also help me get better sleep. Time to do something about it, I suppose.

Grumble grumble grouse. Why can't these things just fix themselves!!

Back to Marriage

There was a man back in the late 80s and early 90s that I thought to marry. This wasn't just wishful thinking. We'd talked about it ... a lot.

He was Italian Canadian and his mother adored me. I just had to say that. I, of course, adored him.

He recommended that I allow his sister and mother to arrange my bridal shower, because every Italian between Toronto and Montreal would be there. We would be able, he told me, to outfit our first home together completely with the gifts I would receive.

Also, we were to have a Roman Catholic wedding. Not that he and his mother were actually practicing Catholics.  The thing was that they'd been going to Italian weddings his entire life, and had gifted thousands of dollars to the Buste Basket (pronounced 'boosta' - it's for cash gifts given at the reception) of every one of them.  The only way to get a return on these thousands of dollars was to have a Roman Catholic wedding, because the Italian community wouldn't attend otherwise and all that money wouldn't be recouped, he told me. It sounded more like a business transaction than an avowal of love to me. When I said that, he countered that with all that money, we'd be able to put a healthy down payment on a house, which we would furnish with all those shower gifts I'd received.

As nice as that would have been, it didn't sit well with me.  Marriage has never been about money for me and to plan a wedding calculated to make as much money as possible seemed wrong somehow. When I said that to him, he commented that I couldn't possibly understand, being English and all. What he meant was WASP - White Anglo Saxon Protestant. And my family is about as English as they come ... taking into account that there's a ton of Irish, French, Danish and Scottish, as well as English, in my background - which makes me a true Canuck.

Fast forward 20 years and I'm planning my wedding.  It's going to cost a lot of money we don't have right now, but we want to celebrate our commitment and love for one another with the people who mean the most to us.  This is a quandary.

"Why don't we ask for cash instead of gifts," my sweetie suggested.

On the face of it (and I say this completely bearing in mind the story I just now related) it's not a bad idea.  For one thing, I already have a house and at our age, there isn't really much in the way of stuff that we need. Hell, we're getting rid of stuff that we've both been carrying around for 20-odd years.

But then, there are my delicate WASP sensibilities. You don't talk about money in polite society and you certainly don't request it in lieu of a gift. It seems gauche, somehow. So, we asked a dear friend of ours what she thought and she replied that, done as a donation to charity, it would be all right.

"But we're the charity!!" my sweetie exclaimed. We all laughed.

Greek Money Dance

I looked into traditions surrounding money and weddings. You'd be surprised how many cultures have traditions regarding money, and how many of them involve dancing. Pinning money to the bride's dress as she dances, putting it in her shoes (which are sitting in the middle of the floor) as she dances, collecting money from other men at the reception for the privilege of dancing with the bride. Poland, Cuba, Cyprus, the Baltics, Japan, the Philippines, Hungary, and the Pacific Islands all have this tradition. Italy and China both give money in baskets, and in Vietnam it's brought in envelopes. All to help the couple have a honeymoon and start their new life together.

Apparently, the idea of asking for money instead of gifts is gaining in popularity. There's even a website that I found, called Honey Fund, where you can register to have guests put money directly toward your honeymoon. Really! Check it out: Honey Fund sample Honeymoon registry

And here's an example out of Australia: Wishing Wells I like their idea of how to ask for this:

Soon you will hear our wedding bell,
As Friends and family wish us well.
Our household thoughts are not brand new,
We have twice the things we need for two.
Since we have our share of dishes and bedding,
We're having instead a wishing well wedding.
But more important we ask of you,
your prayers of love and blessings too!

It's kind of cute. And contrary to Ann Landers' opinion that there is no polite way to ask for money instead of gifts.

The Guardian, a paper in the UK, published an article on the subject in their money blog: The Guardian Opinion. According to the article, Selfridges has started a service wherein guests can contribute money to a store account to help couples buy whatever large ticket items they need for their homes.

So, I guess the times are a'changing. My delicate WASP sensibilities aside, maybe my Italian almost-husband's idea wasn't as business-deal-like as I thought. Just a different way of seeing things.