We still haven't heard anything. My sweetie has the Sword of Damacles hanging over his head and the not knowing when it will fall is becoming extremely difficult to bear.
He has turned a corner, now. He started thinking more clearly a couple of days ago. Started making phone calls. People are trying to help us get a family law specialist to talk to us so we aren't just flailing about in the dark. We don't know how to handle this at this point. He's frightened.
I'm back at work, better able to concentrate now that my sweetie has surfaced. But I'm frightened and worried all the time. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I'll wake up and laugh at how real it all seemed. But it is real. I'm not going to wake up. We're trying to make plans, make decisions these last 24 hours and I have trouble focussing because a part of me is waiting for it all to be proved unreal.
Neither of us is eating properly. It's bad enough for me, but his blood sugar is completely messed up.
Anyway, I just wanted to update you. We are starting to move forward a little. Not fast enough. Not for what we're facing. But at least we are starting to do things.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I Can't Be There for My Boy
It's breaking his heart. He feels betrayed by his country. The emotional anguish is almost more than he can bear. We just sit here, waiting for the summons. It's all we can do.
We had a call from his son yesterday from his post at basic training. He needed his dad. He wanted to let him know that next Saturday, we can see him as he'll be accessible. But my sweetheart may be in jail. My stepson needs to see his dad, and his dad can't be there for him.
My stepson and his wife are having a baby in January. My sweetheart is going to have a granddaughter, whose birth he will more than likely miss. Who he will barely know. Who will never know what an amazing man her grandfather is because of this sentence. He will not be the same man after too much of this. He will not survive too much of this.
My stepson graduates from basic in February. We're supposed to be there. It's an important day. My sweetheart will more than likely be in jail.
It's the waiting. Not knowing what's going to happen next. "My country is trying to kill me!!!" I hold him as he grieves. For that is what we are doing right now. Grieving. I hold him. He holds me. I hold him, our friends hold me. Our friends hold us. They've been here these last few days. Our Sarah, Patricia and Lizbeth. Heidi, Kat, Geoff and Cat wanted to come, but it was too much. He's a proud man and it's hard for him to allow people to see him right now.
Section 12 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms says, "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment." IF THIS ISN'T CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, WHAT IS!!!
If threatening a man with jail for non-payment of a debt, then by the wording of the said order, the man is deprived of the ability to get a job to try to make those payments, then throwing him in jail for not making the payments isn't cruel and unusual treatment and punishment, WHAT IS?!!!
Section 7 of the Charter of Rights says, "Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice."
If denying a man the ability to present evidence and cross-examine the other side's evidence, then holding fast to the 'official record', which contains only the court/woman's side, as the only authority in the case and using it to exact a punishment that is cruel and unusual isn't a breach of Section 7, WHAT IS??!!! HOW IS THAT IN KEEPING WITH FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF JUSTICE?
He finally started truly expressing what is inside him yesterday. The pain, the anguish. The rage. "I'M A GOOD MAN!!" And he is. That's the thing. Things happen in life, mistakes, bad decisions; ramifications follow. But when judges in a court of law use their power to ruin someone's life without taking into account that man's life, his true circumstances, it's horrible. It's wrong.
The Charter of Rights and Freedoms has no bearing in family court. None. How do we fight this? How, when the top judges in the province have decided it was all done legally and rightly? How? We have no energy to do it.
We had a call from his son yesterday from his post at basic training. He needed his dad. He wanted to let him know that next Saturday, we can see him as he'll be accessible. But my sweetheart may be in jail. My stepson needs to see his dad, and his dad can't be there for him.
My stepson and his wife are having a baby in January. My sweetheart is going to have a granddaughter, whose birth he will more than likely miss. Who he will barely know. Who will never know what an amazing man her grandfather is because of this sentence. He will not be the same man after too much of this. He will not survive too much of this.
My stepson graduates from basic in February. We're supposed to be there. It's an important day. My sweetheart will more than likely be in jail.
It's the waiting. Not knowing what's going to happen next. "My country is trying to kill me!!!" I hold him as he grieves. For that is what we are doing right now. Grieving. I hold him. He holds me. I hold him, our friends hold me. Our friends hold us. They've been here these last few days. Our Sarah, Patricia and Lizbeth. Heidi, Kat, Geoff and Cat wanted to come, but it was too much. He's a proud man and it's hard for him to allow people to see him right now.
Section 12 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms says, "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment." IF THIS ISN'T CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, WHAT IS!!!
If threatening a man with jail for non-payment of a debt, then by the wording of the said order, the man is deprived of the ability to get a job to try to make those payments, then throwing him in jail for not making the payments isn't cruel and unusual treatment and punishment, WHAT IS?!!!
Section 7 of the Charter of Rights says, "Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice."
If denying a man the ability to present evidence and cross-examine the other side's evidence, then holding fast to the 'official record', which contains only the court/woman's side, as the only authority in the case and using it to exact a punishment that is cruel and unusual isn't a breach of Section 7, WHAT IS??!!! HOW IS THAT IN KEEPING WITH FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF JUSTICE?
He finally started truly expressing what is inside him yesterday. The pain, the anguish. The rage. "I'M A GOOD MAN!!" And he is. That's the thing. Things happen in life, mistakes, bad decisions; ramifications follow. But when judges in a court of law use their power to ruin someone's life without taking into account that man's life, his true circumstances, it's horrible. It's wrong.
The Charter of Rights and Freedoms has no bearing in family court. None. How do we fight this? How, when the top judges in the province have decided it was all done legally and rightly? How? We have no energy to do it.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
We are here ... just
Thank you so much to all of you for your support. So many of you are talking about publicity, fundraising, trying to come up with concrete suggestions. My mother has read the ruling now and feels that this is payback for mistakes made when all of this first began, when Brian had inadequate legal counsel at best because he couldn't think straight and couldn't afford to pay all the time, and no counsel at all when his funds and health ran out altogether. He pissed some people off and now they're getting their own back. Because the ruling is unanimous, there is definitely no recourse to the Supreme Court. I cannot yet bear to read the ruling. He's broken because of it. We are just sitting here, waiting for the summons.We don't know how long the first stint in jail will be, but we do know that even if it's only 15 days and they give him his meds, it will take weeks to recover. By then, he'll have been summoned again and he'll be back in jail. It will take longer every time he comes out for him to recover and in the meantime, he'll still be unable to get a job to try to pay anything of the costs, let alone the ordered payments.
It will kill him. It may not be immediate, but it will.
And so we sit here. And we try to do normal things, like eating and walking the dog, cleaning the cat litter. But mostly we sit here, helpless, hopeless. Unable to do anything, because there's nothing we can do. Except pay. Which we can't because there is no money. So, we sit here.
This is not the country I love. This is not the country I grew up in, proud to be a part of. When I travelled, I wore the flag on my napsack, proud to have it there. No more.
We need new input. We've talked ourselves around in circles. My bosses will only put up with me being off work for so long, and then I have to go back. We can't even come up with a plan right now.
We need help. I can't even come close to thinking clearly about things like publicity and fundraising. All I can do is hold my sweetheart and give him all the love I can.
I would love to make this a cause, what is happening to men in this province. I can't. I have to focus on my sweetie right now. We had hoped that this case would serve to shed light, help make change, but right now, I can't do what it takes. I don't know what it takes. All those other families who have been impacted by rulings like this, all those other men ... people say the two of us are strong, formidable. We're not right now. We're hurting and feel so alone.
I'm asking for help here. I need to brainstorm with other human beings. I need to meet. Here at the house. As messy as it is right now. We need outside input and we need to talk turkey (no pun intended given that it's Thanksgiving week in Canada).
It will kill him. It may not be immediate, but it will.
And so we sit here. And we try to do normal things, like eating and walking the dog, cleaning the cat litter. But mostly we sit here, helpless, hopeless. Unable to do anything, because there's nothing we can do. Except pay. Which we can't because there is no money. So, we sit here.
This is not the country I love. This is not the country I grew up in, proud to be a part of. When I travelled, I wore the flag on my napsack, proud to have it there. No more.
We need new input. We've talked ourselves around in circles. My bosses will only put up with me being off work for so long, and then I have to go back. We can't even come up with a plan right now.
We need help. I can't even come close to thinking clearly about things like publicity and fundraising. All I can do is hold my sweetheart and give him all the love I can.
I would love to make this a cause, what is happening to men in this province. I can't. I have to focus on my sweetie right now. We had hoped that this case would serve to shed light, help make change, but right now, I can't do what it takes. I don't know what it takes. All those other families who have been impacted by rulings like this, all those other men ... people say the two of us are strong, formidable. We're not right now. We're hurting and feel so alone.
I'm asking for help here. I need to brainstorm with other human beings. I need to meet. Here at the house. As messy as it is right now. We need outside input and we need to talk turkey (no pun intended given that it's Thanksgiving week in Canada).
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Now I Understand
This is why they do it. I know that now. The ones who don’t survive. The ones who lie down on the railway track and wait to die. This is why. The utter hopelessness of it.
I’ve always believed in holding on to hope. Today there is none.
When your government tells a man that not only are they going to make it impossible for him to work, but then they’re going to jail him for non-payment of spousal support and he’ll live in a nightmare revolving door to a jail cell for the rest of his life, this is when hope dies. This is when they put a bullet through their heads. This is when they lay down to die.
Only, I’m not a man. I’m a woman in love with a wonderful man who’s had to watch the nightmare unfold. Who’s fought along side him as best as possible. Who’s taken on insurmountable debt to pay legal fees in a failed attempt to get Family Court to listen. My sweetie, under the order that the Court of Appeal upheld yesterday, will spend the rest of his life unable to work to even try to make the incredibly inflated support payments and then will be sent to jail for 15 days for every missed monthly payment and 30 days for every missed quarterly payment on the arrears. The awards currently amount to three quarters of a million dollars. The monthly payments are $3,000. He’s 62 and in a fragile state of health and will be going to jail because an over-zealous court decided that he’s worth more than he really is, based on no evidence of his. Just her word. They’ve never heard his evidence, taken note of his financial or medical filings. Never. That was their decision. They acted on it. And now, my sweetie is an undischarged bankrupt who has never been able to make the court ordered payments, and he has been handed a life sentence. The Family Responsibility Office says, “Nobody ever does the entire time in jail. After a few days the money always shows up.” But, all these 15 day and 30 day stints in jail add up when you have no money to pay. 300 days a year for the rest of his life (there was no end date to the payment orders for a relationship that lasted less than three years).
I don’t know how many men have completely lost hope because of the way the family court system works here. I know two others from the same jurisdiction as has thrown the book at my sweetie. I’ve read of several others. Now, I understand.
Public policy is based in ideology. The ideology was put into place by a government trying to curry favour. The ideology is an insult to women because it assumes that we are victims. The ideology is an insult to women because in an attempt to balance a wrong, another wrong has been created. But it’s OK, because this ideology based public policy gives women all the power. You know what? I don’t want the power! Especially if it punishes and victimizes another group! That is tyranny. That is the law under which we live. The tribunal at the Court of Appeal on September 28, 2011, knew what was happening was wrong. They knew. It was obvious to everyone there in the statements they made and the questions they asked. They knew. Yet still, they upheld to the letter the Family Court rulings that put my sweetie in this position. They knew, but they didn’t have the courage of their convictions to stand up and say, “This. Is. Wrong.”
My sweetie and I are no longer planning our wedding. We are just trying to find a way to get through the day. All we want is to live our lives together. Now, our government is making that virtually impossible with the support of our courts.
Now, I understand why they just lay down and die.
Friday, October 07, 2011
Wedding Dresses Through Time
I keep coming back to the dress. Frankly, it's the only thing I can really look at right now until some other things in our lives are settled. And it's fun. Fun it good.
So, I thought I'd look into what women wore to their weddings in historical periods.
The first two dresses are Elizabethan, so late 1500s-early 1600s, give or take. I love the detail of the dress on the right, but you can see where some modern wedding dress designers took inspiration in the split overskirt.
The picture on the left is a wedding party in the 1600s, in Strassbourg, Germany. No white there, either, but you can see the real divergence in style between England and Germany.And with the bride on the right, also from the 1600s, you can see the glorious fabrics used in her dress. The overdress looks to be velvet and quite luxurious.
These two dresses are from the late 1700s. The panier on the dress to the right, from 1774, would have made it necessary for the bride to go through the church doors sideways!!But the fabrics are gorgeous. I love the use of brocades and textures in these.
By the early 1800s, the Empire waist was in vogue. The dress on the left, from the Georgian period is a great example. Again, you can see inspiration for wedding dress designers today in this dress.
But the dress worn by Queen Victoria when she married her beloved Prince Albert in 1840 is when the white wedding dress craze began. At least for the rich. Not everyone wore them at that point, but it was the beginning. The middle classes and the poor wore darker colours that would be wearable and servicable for years. I'm going to stop this post here. I have about 55,000 other photos to share, but I fear they will clog your servers!! Suffice to say, not one of these dresses inspires me. I really am looking for something more simple, but what fun to look at!
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends here in Canada. I hope you have a wonderful long weekend. I rather doubt I'll be posting until next Tuesday, as I'll be out of internet range with my family for the weekend. Luckily, I'm not getting married for a while yet, so I can eat all the turkey I want!
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Honest to Pete
What does any of that have to do with the subjects of this blog? Other than leaving me completely uninspired to write anything, not much. At least, not on the surface. I thought I'd look into menopause and immunity and see what I came up with. Did you know that the lowering of estrogen affects our immune systems? Changes in the immune system during menopause and aging was a study done at the Department of Gynaecology and Obstetrics, Garcia de Orta's Hospital, Almada, Portugal. The abstract I've linked you to concludes, "Recent studies indicate several changes in immune response, either with suspension of hormone therapy or with its replacement at menopause."
This article in Science Direct,
Menopause and aging: Changes in the immune system—A review, finds the same thing. The results of the review found that "After menopause, there is an increase in pro-inflammatory serum markers (IL1, IL6, TNF-alpha), an increase in response of the immune blood cells to these cytokines, ..." The underline is mine, by the way. This is particularly interesting to me because the medication I'm on for my arthritis is called a TNF-alpha inhibitor, or biologic. TNF-alpha, loosely put, is the part of the immune system that is sent out to destroy alien invaders, usually a virus or bacteria. In the case of someone living with an inflammatory autoimmune-based arthritis, the immune system is blocked from sending them out, so they can't destroy our joints. What's going to happen as my estrogen gets lower, thereby, according to this article, creating more TNF-alpha? This is interesting, because TNF-a proliferates in a womans reproductive system, as well as in the brains of people with longterm depression.
Which reminds me, I can't take my dose of medication on Saturday morning, since my rheumatologist told me at my appointment yesterday that I shouldn't since I'm sick and I've had two chest infections in the past year. That's one of the adverse effects of the biologic medications in some people - an increase in infections.
Back to TNF-a ... I wonder if the increase in this isn't partly responsible for some of the things menopausal women experience. Jeepers creepers, another thing to research.
You know, now that I look more closely at the two links I provided in this post, I think they're about the same study. I'm going to keep them both, just in case.
Either they've put the heat on here, which I can't imagine since it's gorgeously warm outside, or I'm having a hot flash as I type.
I WANNA GO HOME!!!
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Brain Dead
That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. Brain dead. I feel absolutely no impetus to do anything. So, since I'm home today, that's pretty much what I'm doing. My cold is feeling a bit better. More in my nose than anywhere else at this point. Thank goodness.
I flared at my sweetie a little while ago. Went right off the handle. He was great about it, and while I had reason to be irritated, I didn't need to react the way I did. It wasn't fair. Bless him, he had the courage to sit next to me and eat his lunch. It was a menopause moment, I'm relatively certain. Once I'd calmed down, I realized how silly I was being and did what he'd asked me to do.
I found an interesting webpage on menopause. Body and Health at Canada.com. Pretty good overview. Talks about alternative ways of dealing with the various symptoms. Except mood swings. Darnit.
I'm pretty sure I've had some hot flashes recently. Felt hot, broke out into a sweat, and felt cold at the same time. It was weird. And I've been throwing off the covers in bed at night. I know this because at some point, I wake up cold and pull them back over myself. Now that the events of last week are over, I can get into a routine again. Start a Tai Chi class, get to the gym more regularly, start my dance class again. Perhaps I'll start drinking a calming herbal tea in the evenings. And get more information on Mindful Meditation.
Actually, I teach a form of this at the course I teach for The Arthritis Society, so I've got a good start on it. As I understand Mindful Meditation, it involves being fully present in the moment. The version we talk about in the course involves tensing and relaxing various muscle groups in a progression from the toes to the top of your head, while doing deep relaxation breathing. Tense as you inhale, relax as you exhale and allow the tension to leave.
I like the meditation as described in this article on the Shambalah Sun website. It keeps the focus on the breathing, and you are actively focussing on the breathing. And this article in The Globe & Mail discusses a couple of studies that have been done that show that mindfulness meditation can help people who are recovering from depression stave off another bout of depression. There's a course taught to patients in recovery at CAMH (the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto). Actually, I've tried doing the form I teach when I go to bed at night. I keep falling asleep before I'm done. So, I think I'd better find another time of day. If it helps me combat mood swings and hot flashes, not to mention calming my alpha wave activity during sleep, it's a good thing.
I flared at my sweetie a little while ago. Went right off the handle. He was great about it, and while I had reason to be irritated, I didn't need to react the way I did. It wasn't fair. Bless him, he had the courage to sit next to me and eat his lunch. It was a menopause moment, I'm relatively certain. Once I'd calmed down, I realized how silly I was being and did what he'd asked me to do.
I found an interesting webpage on menopause. Body and Health at Canada.com. Pretty good overview. Talks about alternative ways of dealing with the various symptoms. Except mood swings. Darnit.
I'm pretty sure I've had some hot flashes recently. Felt hot, broke out into a sweat, and felt cold at the same time. It was weird. And I've been throwing off the covers in bed at night. I know this because at some point, I wake up cold and pull them back over myself. Now that the events of last week are over, I can get into a routine again. Start a Tai Chi class, get to the gym more regularly, start my dance class again. Perhaps I'll start drinking a calming herbal tea in the evenings. And get more information on Mindful Meditation.
Actually, I teach a form of this at the course I teach for The Arthritis Society, so I've got a good start on it. As I understand Mindful Meditation, it involves being fully present in the moment. The version we talk about in the course involves tensing and relaxing various muscle groups in a progression from the toes to the top of your head, while doing deep relaxation breathing. Tense as you inhale, relax as you exhale and allow the tension to leave.
I like the meditation as described in this article on the Shambalah Sun website. It keeps the focus on the breathing, and you are actively focussing on the breathing. And this article in The Globe & Mail discusses a couple of studies that have been done that show that mindfulness meditation can help people who are recovering from depression stave off another bout of depression. There's a course taught to patients in recovery at CAMH (the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto). Actually, I've tried doing the form I teach when I go to bed at night. I keep falling asleep before I'm done. So, I think I'd better find another time of day. If it helps me combat mood swings and hot flashes, not to mention calming my alpha wave activity during sleep, it's a good thing.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I'd sick
Good grief. You know it's coming. It always does. Especially after a period of massive longterm stress, but for some reason, the stress cold always takes you by surprise. It came on yesterday. Over about 90 minutes my body fell apart. I went home early from work. My sweetie made a special trip downtown to pick me up because I was so miserable. I took today off work and tomorrow. I had to cancel my visit with my therapist today, since I was not going to be leaving the house, but I have an appointment with my rheumatologist tomorrow that I must go to. It was booked months ago and he needs to know some things.
Anyway, I spent all day on the couch looking at wedding stuff. Talked to a venue. Quizzed a friend about his wedding last July (he's as sick as me, by the way). I shall have to sit down with his bride and pick her brains. They made a lot of decisions that my sweetie and I really liked. Went to theknot.com. I love their magazine by the way. Not the usual fluff and froufrou. Bored myself stupid with it, as you can imagine after eight hours of non-stop wedding. Got some ideas, tho.
And my period started yesterday as well. Not a banner day. But it was right on time. I think I didn't notice my PMS last week, since I was already so overwrought it slipped under the radar. My sweetie didn't miss it, tho. He can sense my hormonal shifts and in the week prior to my period becomes extremely amorous.
So, that's where it stands. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel more like a proper post, but I wanted to touch base today. I felt badly about not posting yesterday. Frankly, between the cold and the rum-laced hot toddy my sweetie made me last night, I was in no shape to think about anything.
Anyway, I spent all day on the couch looking at wedding stuff. Talked to a venue. Quizzed a friend about his wedding last July (he's as sick as me, by the way). I shall have to sit down with his bride and pick her brains. They made a lot of decisions that my sweetie and I really liked. Went to theknot.com. I love their magazine by the way. Not the usual fluff and froufrou. Bored myself stupid with it, as you can imagine after eight hours of non-stop wedding. Got some ideas, tho.
And my period started yesterday as well. Not a banner day. But it was right on time. I think I didn't notice my PMS last week, since I was already so overwrought it slipped under the radar. My sweetie didn't miss it, tho. He can sense my hormonal shifts and in the week prior to my period becomes extremely amorous.
So, that's where it stands. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel more like a proper post, but I wanted to touch base today. I felt badly about not posting yesterday. Frankly, between the cold and the rum-laced hot toddy my sweetie made me last night, I was in no shape to think about anything.
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