I Can't Be There for My Boy

It's breaking his heart. He feels betrayed by his country. The emotional anguish is almost more than he can bear. We just sit here, waiting for the summons. It's all we can do.

We had a call from his son yesterday from his post at basic training. He needed his dad. He wanted to let him know that next Saturday, we can see him as he'll be accessible. But my sweetheart may be in jail. My stepson needs to see his dad, and his dad can't be there for him.

My stepson and his wife are having a baby in January. My sweetheart is going to have a granddaughter, whose birth he will  more than likely miss. Who he will barely know. Who will never know what an amazing man her grandfather is because of this sentence. He will not be the same man after too much of this. He will not survive too much of this.

My stepson graduates from basic in February. We're supposed to be there. It's an important day. My sweetheart will more than likely be in jail.

It's the waiting. Not knowing what's going to happen next. "My country is trying to kill me!!!" I hold him as he grieves. For that is what we are doing right now. Grieving. I hold him. He holds me. I hold him, our friends hold me. Our friends hold us. They've been here these last few days. Our Sarah, Patricia and Lizbeth. Heidi, Kat, Geoff and Cat wanted to come, but it was too  much. He's a proud man and it's hard for him to allow people to see him right now.

Section 12 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms says, "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment." IF THIS ISN'T CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, WHAT IS!!!

If threatening a man with jail for non-payment of a debt, then by the wording of the said order, the man is deprived of the ability to get a job to try to make those payments, then throwing him in jail for not making the payments isn't cruel and unusual treatment and punishment, WHAT IS?!!!

Section 7 of the Charter of Rights says, "Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice."

If denying a man the ability to present evidence and cross-examine the other side's evidence, then holding fast to the 'official record', which contains only the court/woman's side, as the only authority in the case and using it to exact a punishment that is cruel and unusual isn't a breach of Section 7, WHAT IS??!!! HOW IS THAT IN KEEPING WITH FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF JUSTICE?

He finally started truly expressing what is inside him yesterday. The pain, the anguish. The rage. "I'M A GOOD MAN!!" And he is. That's the thing. Things happen in life, mistakes, bad decisions; ramifications follow. But when judges in a court of law use their power to ruin someone's life without taking into account that man's life, his true circumstances, it's horrible. It's wrong.

The Charter of Rights and Freedoms has no bearing in family court. None. How do we fight this? How, when the top judges in the province have decided it was all done legally and rightly? How? We have no energy to do it.

We are here ... just

Thank you so much to all of you for your support. So many of you are talking about publicity, fundraising, trying to come up with concrete suggestions. My mother has read the ruling now and feels that this is payback for mistakes made when all of this first began, when Brian had inadequate legal counsel at best because he couldn't think straight and couldn't afford to pay all the time, and no counsel at all when his funds and health ran out altogether. He pissed some people off and now they're getting their own back. Because the ruling is unanimous, there is definitely no recourse to the Supreme Court. I cannot yet bear to read the ruling. He's broken because of it. We are just sitting here, waiting for the summons.We don't know how long the first stint in jail will be, but we do know that even if it's only 15 days and they give him his meds, it will take weeks to recover. By then, he'll have been summoned again and he'll be back in jail. It will take longer every time he comes out for him to recover and in the meantime, he'll still be unable to get a job to try to pay anything of the costs, let alone the ordered payments.

It will kill him. It may not be immediate, but it will.

And so we sit here. And we try to do normal things, like eating and walking the dog, cleaning the cat litter. But mostly we sit here, helpless, hopeless. Unable to do anything, because there's nothing we can do. Except pay. Which we can't because there is no money. So, we sit here.

This is not the country I love. This is not the country I grew up in, proud to be a part of. When I travelled, I wore the flag on my napsack, proud to have it there. No  more.

We need new input. We've talked ourselves around in circles. My bosses will only put up with me being off work for so long, and then I have to go back. We can't even come up with a plan right now.

We need help. I can't even come close to thinking clearly about things like publicity and fundraising. All I can do is hold my sweetheart and give him all the love I can.

I would love to make this a cause, what is happening to men in this province. I can't. I have to focus on my sweetie right now. We had hoped that this case would serve to shed light, help make change, but right now, I can't do what it takes. I don't know what it takes. All those other families who have been impacted by rulings like this, all those other men ... people say the two of us are strong, formidable. We're not right now. We're hurting and feel so alone.

I'm asking for help here. I need to brainstorm with other human beings. I need to meet. Here at the house. As messy as it is right now. We need outside input and we need to talk turkey (no pun intended given that it's Thanksgiving week in Canada).

Now I Understand

This is why they do it. I know that now. The ones who don’t survive. The ones who lie down on the railway track and wait to die. This is why.  The utter hopelessness of it.

I’ve always believed in holding on to hope. Today there is none.

When your government tells a man that not only are they going to make it impossible for him to work, but then they’re going to jail him for non-payment of spousal support and he’ll live in a nightmare revolving door to a jail cell for the rest of his life, this is when hope dies.  This is when they put a bullet through their heads.  This is when they lay down to die.

Only, I’m not a man. I’m a woman in love with a wonderful man who’s had to watch the nightmare unfold. Who’s fought along side him as best as possible. Who’s taken on insurmountable debt to pay legal fees in a failed attempt to get Family Court to listen.  My sweetie, under the order that the Court of Appeal upheld yesterday, will spend the rest of his life unable to work to even try to make the incredibly inflated support payments and then will be sent to jail for 15 days for every missed monthly payment and 30 days for every missed quarterly payment on the arrears.  The awards currently amount to three quarters of a million dollars.  The monthly payments are $3,000.  He’s 62 and in a fragile state of health and will be going to jail because an over-zealous court decided that he’s worth more than he really is, based on no evidence of his.  Just her word.  They’ve never heard his evidence, taken note of his financial or medical filings.  Never.  That was their decision.  They acted on it.  And now, my sweetie is an undischarged bankrupt who has never been able to make the court ordered payments, and he has been handed a life sentence.  The Family Responsibility Office says, “Nobody ever does the entire time in jail.  After a few days the money always shows up.”  But, all these 15 day and 30 day stints in jail add up when you have no money to pay.  300 days a year for the rest of his life (there was no end date to the payment orders for a relationship that lasted less than three years). 

I don’t know how many men have completely lost hope because of the way the family court system works here.  I know two others from the same jurisdiction as has thrown the book at my sweetie.  I’ve read of several others.  Now, I understand.

Public policy is based in ideology.  The ideology was put into place by a government trying to curry favour.  The ideology is an insult to women because it assumes that we are victims.  The ideology is an insult to women because in an attempt to balance a wrong, another wrong has been created.  But it’s OK, because this ideology based public policy gives women all the power.  You know what?  I don’t want the power!  Especially if it punishes and victimizes another group!  That is tyranny.  That is the law under which we live.  The tribunal at the Court of Appeal on September 28, 2011, knew what was happening was wrong.  They knew.  It was obvious to everyone there in the statements they made and the questions they asked.  They knew.  Yet still, they upheld to the letter the Family Court rulings that put my sweetie in this position.  They knew, but they didn’t have the courage of their convictions to stand up and say, “This.  Is.  Wrong.”

My sweetie and I are no longer planning our wedding.  We are just trying to find a way to get through the day.  All we want is to live our lives together.  Now, our government is making that virtually impossible with the support of our courts.

Now, I understand why they just lay down and die.