Wide Awake & Nowhere to Go

I was awake at 5:00 again.  That’s been happening a lot the last few weeks.  My brain won’t stop.  The various things in my life that need fixing, but are beyond my control, circle around my brain like predators.

My breasts don’t feel quite so heavy today ... or I’m becoming accustomed to it.

I’m not quite so sad today, which is a relief.  I haven’t been certain what’s causing that.  Could be PMS – my period is due next week and I usually start feeling it around now.  Could be perimenopause.  Could be the Zyban I just started so I can quit smoking.  Far too many options here.  For now, I don’t’ care which it is, I don’t feel as emotional today.  Thank goodness.

My right shoulder is bad, tight.  So’s my left shoulder and so is my lower back.  I have to get to the gym tonight. 

The anxiety in my solar plexus still roils.

My sweetie has been lovely this week; understanding, kind, patient.  He once swore he’d never be with another menopausal woman (he’s a bit older than I and has some experience in this area). Yet, here I am and there he is, being wonderful.

I wonder if Dong Quai would be helpful.  It’s an herb from Asia and has been used for untold years to treat menstrual and menopause based issues.  The University of Maryland has an article online that says it may have the same effect as blocking estrogen and it may contain compounds that could reduce pain, dilate blood vessels, and stimulate and relax uterine muscles.  That said, they also state that there have been very few actual studies done on it, so it may or may not actually be helpful.  The US National Institute for Health says it’s possibly ineffective for menopausal symptoms and there is insufficient information to state its effectiveness on menstrual symptoms.  Health Canada has no opinion that I could find in a Google search.  CAMline.ca, which appears to run under the auspices of the University of Toronto with funding from diverse sources, also says that it is uncertain how beneficial Dong Quai is for menopausal symptoms.  Back to the drawing board?

So, it turns out that an old friend of mine is in the wedding planning business.  He’s offered to help with the wedding, for which I am utterly grateful.  And a newer friend has also offered help.

We haven’t much money, so right now our budget is ... well ... I don’t have a number, but let’s say ‘minuscule’.  I choked at the $15,000 plus taxes for the reception because that’s more than we can afford for the entire damned wedding.

You know, I watch “Say Yes To The Dress”.  It’s fun.  Not many women of a certain age on the show, however, and from what these women are paying for their dresses alone, not many true money problems, either.  A small dress budget on this show is under $5,000 and, generally, they spend at least $4,000 of that amount.  One Princess talked Daddy into paying $20,000 for her dress!!! You should have seen the look on his face as he watched his daughter, teary with joy at finding her perfect dress, and realized he was going to buy it for her or crush her dream.  Can you believe it?  $20,000 for a dress that she’ll never wear again.  It’ll be put in a pretty box with a window in it so you can see the bodice, and get shoved in the back of a closet somewhere.  In some towns, that $20,000 would be a ⅓ down payment on a house!  Hell, $20,000 would feed a Third World village for years!  But he looked at his daughter’s face and said yes to the $20,000 dress.

I, on the other hand, am having trouble justifying the ± $1,385 silk chiffon beauty that I fell in love with.  It’s not like I’ll have the opportunity to wear it again.  I suppose the train could be cut off and it could be dyed, which I really don’t see with this particular dress.  It’s stunning and the style of it precludes it being anything but white.  Still, when it comes down to it, why not simply buy an evening gown.  Half the price and easily worn several times.  If you have anywhere to wear an evening gown, of course.  But at least there would be a hope of wearing it again.  Didn’t girls in Society back at the turn of the last century wear their wedding dresses to balls and the opera for a year after the wedding?  And I don’t’ think they’re dresses were necessarily white.  So, I’m thinking in terms of colour.  And what makes me feel good.

1930s Vintage Lace Dress - from Frocks.com

I’ve promised my sweetie that I won’t put pictures of any dress I’m actually considering on this blog, so here are a few hints.  Think Pronovias 2011 Collection.  Think Enzoani Love 2011 evening.  Think Marchessa Notte 2010 to 2012 collections.  Think silk chiffon.  Think classical (era-wise, not music) and sophisticated.  Think Swarovski crystal or rhinestones because I’m a magpie at heart.  Hmmm, maybe I’ll visit a shop in Little India.  A Lengha would be beautiful!  Or vintage!!!

Sixteen months and counting.

Originally posted at the beginning of September and it disappeared, darnit

I was awake at 5:00 again.  That’s been happening a lot the last few weeks.  My brain won’t stop.  The various things in my life that need fixing, but are beyond my control, circle around my brain like predators.

My breasts don’t feel quite so heavy today ... or I’m becoming accustomed to it.

I’m not quite so sad today, which is a relief.  I haven’t been certain what’s causing that.  Could be PMS – my period is due next week and I usually start feeling it around now.  Could be perimenopause.  Could be the Zyban I just started so I can quit smoking.  Far too many options here.  For now, I don’t’ care which it is, I don’t feel as emotional today.  Thank goodness.

My right shoulder is bad, tight.  So’s my left shoulder and so is my lower back.  I have to get to the gym tonight. 

The anxiety in my solar plexus still roils.

My sweetie has been lovely this week; understanding, kind, patient.  He once swore he’d never be with another menopausal woman (he’s a bit older than I and has some experience in this area). Yet, here I am and there he is, being wonderful.

I wonder if Dong Quai would be helpful.  It’s an herb from Asia and has been used for untold years to treat menstrual and menopause based issues.  The University of Maryland has an article online that says it may have the same effect as blocking estrogen and it may contain compounds that could reduce pain, dilate blood vessels, and stimulate and relax uterine muscles.  That said, they also state that there have been very few actual studies done on it, so it may or may not actually be helpful.  The US National Institute for Health says it’s possibly ineffective for menopausal symptoms and there is insufficient information to state its effectiveness on menstrual symptoms.  Health Canada has no opinion that I could find in a Google search.  CAMline.ca, which appears to run under the auspices of the University of Toronto with funding from diverse sources, also says that it is uncertain how beneficial Dong Quai is for menopausal symptoms.  Back to the drawing board?

So, it turns out that an old friend of mine is in the wedding planning business.  He’s offered to help with the wedding, for which I am utterly grateful.  And a newer friend has also offered help.

We haven’t much money, so right now our budget is ... well ... I don’t have a number, but let’s say ‘minuscule’.  I choked at the $15,000 plus taxes for the reception because that’s more than we can afford for the entire damned wedding.

You know, I watch “Say Yes To The Dress”.  It’s fun.  Not many women of a certain age on the show, however, and from what these women are paying for their dresses alone, not many true money problems, either.  A small dress budget on this show is under $5,000 and, generally, they spend at least $4,000 of that amount.  One Princess talked Daddy into paying $20,000 for her dress!!! You should have seen the look on his face as he watched his daughter, teary with joy at finding her perfect dress, and realized he was going to buy it for her or crush her dream.  Can you believe it?  $20,000 for a dress that she’ll never wear again.  It’ll be put in a pretty box with a window in it so you can see the bodice, and get shoved in the back of a closet somewhere.  In some towns, that $20,000 would be a ⅓ down payment on a house!  Hell, $20,000 would feed a Third World village for years!  But he looked at his daughter’s face and said yes to the $20,000 dress.

I, on the other hand, am having trouble justifying the ± $1,385 silk chiffon beauty that I fell in love with.  It’s not like I’ll have the opportunity to wear it again.  I suppose the train could be cut off and it could be dyed, which I really don’t see with this particular dress.  It’s stunning and the style of it precludes it being anything but white.  Still, when it comes down to it, why not simply buy an evening gown.  Half the price and easily worn several times.  If you have anywhere to wear an evening gown, of course.  But at least there would be a hope of wearing it again.  Didn’t girls in Society back at the turn of the last century wear their wedding dresses to balls and the opera for a year after the wedding?  And I don’t’ think they’re dresses were necessarily white.  So, I’m thinking in terms of colour.  And what makes me feel good.

I’ve promised my sweetie that I won’t put pictures of any dress I’m actually considering on this blog, so here are a few hints.  Think Pronovias 2011 Collection.  Think Enzoani Love 2011 evening.  Think Marchessa Notte 2010 to 2012 collections.  Think silk chiffon.  Think classical (era-wise, not music) and sophisticated.  Think Swarovski crystal or rhinestones because I’m a magpie at heart.  Hmmm, maybe I’ll visit a shop in Little India.  A Lengha would be beautiful!  Or vintage!!!

Sixteen months and counting.

A Summer of Firsts

Two firsts happened in my life this summer.

First number one, I entered perimenopause. June's period lasted a week longer than usual. July's period never occurred. August's started and ended exactly when it should have. Still waiting on September's. I'm 47 years old, so this should be no surprise. In fact, I've been waiting for it. My grandmother was 39 when she started. My mother, 41, and my aunt 43. So, really, I'm old for this.

You know, I've heard about the books, but never read them. Maybe, I should have. My boobs got bigger. Dear god. I've been a 36C since I had my breast reduction when I was 21. A couple of years ago, that went up to a 36D, but I didn't think anything of it. You gain weight. You lose weight. Bought a new bra last week, 36D. It fit perfectly. Suddenly, three days later, my breasts are overflowing it ... ever so slightly ... but they're heavier, too! And tender! Good grief.

And emotional? I've been on the verge of tears for three days! Moody for longer. More moody than usual, I mean. Could be stress. There's been a lot of stress in our lives this year. Could be the PMS that made everyone around me's life miserable when I was younger, but had learned to overcome as I matured, is getting worse again. Or ... I'm just plain hormonal 24/7. Good god.


Second first? Marriage. We've been talking about it for years, but this July we set a date. January 13, 2013. I've always wanted a winter wedding; his lucky number is 13. The date adds up to an 11, which in numerological terms is extremely good - the number of dreams and inspiration.

So, I started looking at bridal magazines. They're in every grocery store check-out line. And they're useless!!! I'm 47 years old and these things are written for 22 year olds. The dresses are non-stop froufrou. Jeepers creepers, if those skirts get anymore crinoline and tulle added, the brides' feet won't come near the floor!

And most of them assume that the bride has some unlimited budget, probably because Daddy's paying for it. When is someone going to put together a magazine for women of a certain age. We get married, too, you know! In fact, these days, what with divorce rates being so high, a lot of women of a certain age are getting married. Not many getting married for the first time, however.

And then there are venues. The one I'd really like would cost $15,000 for 100 people, plus taxes. I almost had a heart attack. If I still had my tonsils, I'd've inhaled them. So, we're trying to get creative about venues. Historic houses, art galleries, that kind of thing. We'll see what happens. Before we can make a firm decision on that, we have to make a list so we know how big a venue we really need. As long as it has windows. Big windows so that during the ceremony you can see the snow outside. I've already warned my sweetie that he'd better be prepared to truck snow in, just in case we have a snowless January.

So, that's the first post of Kat's M(arriage) and M(enopause).