Stressing Stress

You know, it's characteristic of stress that, when in a time of great stress, stressing makes things worse. That might seem like a no-brainer, but how many of us, when in that time of stress, stop and destress?  Some very wise folk, most certainly; unfortunately, far fewer people, it would seem, than should.  We are so caught up in survival mode that we forget to look after ourselves.

My sweetie and I are going through a time of extreme stress right now.  It's been ongoing, virtually non-stop, since, well, January, really. One day, I'll talk about it, but for today's purposes, the effect of stress is enough of a topic.  Suffice to say, I'm terrified all the time right now.  It gnaws at my sternum, sends pick axes through my belly; it makes we want to start looking at the world from the back of my brain where I can hide, instead of full in the face. That, however, is impossible, not to mention unproductive, so I've coped thus far by not really thinking about the situation.  Now, this is helpful for getting through my work day, but not so great every other moment of my day.

What, I wonder, is the effect of stress on perimenopause? A study that I found at the Oxford Journals website (oxfordjournals.org), Prospective Study of the Determinants of Age at Menopause, did find a link between the age at full menopause and stress in both women with generally irregular menstrual cycles and African American women. They tend to be younger at full menopause, it would appear. Now, we all know how stress affects our menstrual cycle. How many of us have been days late or missed a period altogether at times of great stress? And a paper at the American Psychological Association, Stress Weakens the Immune System, states that longterm stress (ranging from days to months) will have a direct effect on the immune system. The study uses the word 'ravage' to describe it. How many of us get awful colds after a period of stress?

According to a paper I found at the Mayo Clinic website, the reason stress affects our menstrual cycles is that it affects the hypothalamus, the part of your brain that controls the hormones that regulate your menstrual cycle. I would think that this would also hold true when it comes to perimenopause???? I can't find any papers online that address the effect of stress on menopause, so that remains to be seen.

I have to think that going to the gym will help.  Exercise is a great stress-reliever; everybody says so, and I know the truth of this.  So, as we try to get through the next, intense, month, I'm going to test the theory. This will not only ease my stress a great deal, but it is highly beneficial for people living with inflammatory arthritis. It will reduce my overall pain levels, help me sleep, help me relax; I know this for a fact. I've read that exercise will also help ease some of the signs of perimenopause. Not to mention, I want to lose the ten pounds I gained on holiday in July.

So, out of curiosity, I did a Google search on 'marriage and menopause'. I wanted to see if anyone else out there is beginning both at the same time. So far, I've found 16 pages of advice on:

• how to make your marriage survive menopause;
• advice from men to other men on how to survive their wives' menopause;
• remedies for menopause (like it's a disease);
• sex and menopause;
• LOTS of sex and save your marriage from menopause type pages;
• a page on religious women and how spirituality helps them decrease the signs of perimenopause; and
• one lonely blog entry from a woman who met the love of her life when she was 45 and how they eventually got married, but not one word in it about living through menopause at the same time.

The way I see it, I'm on my own with this one. Well, figuratively, anyway. Stress goes hand in hand with planning a wedding. Menopause is stress. So, time to relearn my stress-relief techniques. And exercise, exercise, exercise!

Puberty, Pregnancy & Perimenopause - the Same?

So, I took two days off. It's Labour Day weekend. What can I say.

The emotions of last week have subsided, thank god. I was PMSing. Early. Good grief.

I have never bloated like that before. I mean, I've bloated, but never have my breasts become so tender and heavy feeling. I felt like I was in puberty. Or pregnant. Which I'm not. Thank god. I don't want to have to deal with that at this point in my life.

I always wanted children. When I was 26, I decided that if I hadn't found a man that wanted to be with me for the rest of my life by the time I was 32, I would be artificially inseminated. Then, I turned 32. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I was still single and earning just enough to get by, and I realized that bringing a child into my world at that point in time would be irresponsible beyond belief. 

It's hard for me not to have children. I always felt I was meant to have children. To the marrow of my bones, I felt I was meant to be a mother. It is one of my greatest regrets that I didn't. And now, I'm 47, I have inflammatory arthritis that makes the day hard to get through sometimes and I have trouble looking after my sweetie and me. I don't have it in me to look after a baby, too. Not to mention, I'm at an age when the pregnancy becomes more problematic and the chances of the child being adversely affected are much greater. And, really, the thought of being the mother of a 15 year old when I'm 63 doesn't sit well. My sweetie would be 77! I don't know how my father did it. He was 62 when I was 15 and almost 70 when my sister was.

Actually, if I had been pregnant last week, there would have been a kind of symmetry to it. Dad was 47 when I was born.

So, the signs of puberty, pregnancy and perimenopause are, generally, pretty much the same. Or, at least, affect the same things. I remember one woman saying that puberty didn't give her breasts. She was a double A cup her whole life, until she hit perimenopause. All of a sudden, she had breasts and actually had to go into a bra store to be properly fitted. She'd never really needed a bra before.

You know, the more I learn, the more I realize that I've probably been perimenopausal for several years. It would appear that I am one of those lucky women with mixed incontinence, for instance. Not only have I started having trouble with my bladder leaking when I laugh or sneeze, but I also have sudden urges to go, no matter how long it's been since I last went. Yay. Been like that for almost two years. Well, if that's the case, then I was a little closer to the genetic timeline of the women in my family, than I thought

OK, so I was watching one of those awful wedding reality TV series. This little princess needs, get this, a sports car for her fiance to arrive at the ceremony, a stretch SUV for her to arrive at the ceremony. then she wants a, get this, HELECOPTER to take her and her fiance to the reception so they can arrive in a spectacular way. Good grief. Who needs this???!!! Transportation alone was about $6,000! Her wedding was $23,000 dollars over budget, so the total was over $70,000!!! Oh. My. God. Who has that kind of money? Other than the Schrivers, or the Trumps, or the Kennedys.

We're going to look at one of the venues we're considering this week. We want to check them out now, then shortlist the ones we truly like and go back in January to see what they're like. And I'm hoping to look at dresses with my mother at some point soon. Once I have a shortlist of dresses. We'll need a helecopter to help us get to the various stores easily. They're all over town. Every compass point is covered, with a store or two at each one. Hmmm. I wonder if we can borrow the one they hired for that chick's wedding?

Were Stacey & Clinton Right?

I don't know how much I have to say today. I'm not feeling quite so bloated and I'm on a more even keel emotionally. Thank god.

Last night, for the first time in three years, my sweetie and I had a gym date. We used to go to the gym together every day after work, until he tore his achilles, twice, three years ago. Between that and a whole whack of other issues in the intervening time, I've been unable to go. Something about, it's necessary to be at home to look after things at home. So, I struggled to keep up with my pilates (which I adore, by the way) and to keep going to my dance class (Flamenco, which I've been taking for about ten years). Last year, I had to stop my dance class. I had recurrent chest infections that cause inflammation in my lungs. Breathing is kind of important to dance. Then, just as I was able to start back in January, my sweetie became deathly ill. Then one of life's curve balls hit us upside the head and we've been in crisis mode.

I've done nothing physical since January. I used to do pilates five days a week, dance class one day a week (with hours of practice on weekends), and the gym four or five days a week. This year ... nada, zip, zilch. So, he talked me into joining the Y. I joined last week. Went once last week and had a good stretch, used the recumbant bike, did a few weights. Saturday I went in for a tour; I already know how to use the machines, just needed to know where they were! Finally, yesterday after work, I went in for a workout. Ten minutes on the stationary bike to get my muscles warm, about half an hour of pilates and leg stretches to limber up, and then I did my old leg programme (weight training). It felt really good!! And I feared for my pain levels and stiffness today. But today arrived and it's not so bad. I think walking a 115lb puppy every day is helping with this. LOL But the best part was, we had a gym date!! We've both missed that.

On Saturday, I'm meeting with a personal trainer to discuss my programme and what my goals are. Given that I live with inflammatory arthritis, my goals are pretty simple: stay limber, keep my range of motion, keep my pain levels down (exercise helps this), and look awesome in my wedding dress. I've already told him that I don't do stairs. He has my sweetie and several of our friends on this endurance routine that involves numerous repetitions of the five flights of stairs at the Y. Stairs hurt my ankles and shins. It's not a strength thing, it's pain in the front of my ankles. Been like that my whole life. I hate stairs and if they weren't necessary, I'd avoid them like the plague. Anyway, I'm looking forward to that. Meeting with the personal trainer, not the plague of stairs.

Menopause Herbal No. 2 - Black Cohosh

Photo from District of Saanich website

Studies examined by the Office of Dietary Supplements, for the National Institutes of Health in the US found conflicting results in the various studies. As such, they can't say for sure whether or not it actually works, but it did have some effect, sometimes. Here's a link to that article: NIH on Black Cohosh 

Health Canada has a list of herbal rememdies on its Natural Products database, but I found the information decidedly unhelpful, unless you were looking for adverse effects, in which case, there's a lot of information. Problem is, they list the common names and such, but no information or articles about whether or not a specific herbal has had any studies done, what it's used for, or whether it works. Instead, they list links to studies used, but the link only takes you to monograph information about the study, instead of linking to the actual study.


I've had some lovely feedback from people who've seen my blog thus far. My mother threatened to leave 'mother-type' comments. "Dear god, Mum," I said. "I'm 47 years old. If I can't handle a few motherly remarks by now I'm not worth my salt!"

You know, it would be much less expensive if my sweetie and I were being married during the warm months. We could rent a park space and have the entire thing outside, with a BBQ. My sister did that and it was lovely. However, our saving grace is timing. January and Sundays are two of the cheaper times to book venues. My sweetie thought it would be great to get married outside anyway. Everyone could wear parkas if they got cold and we'd all only be outside for about 15 minutes. I put my foot down. This is the only wedding dress I'm ever going to have and I want it seen while I trade vows with him, not hidden by a down-filled parka! I am thinking about a fur-trimmed cape, however.

You know, it's funny. When all of this started back in July, I searched on line for anything to do with mature women getting married. There isn't much out there. A forum or two. One of the forums I came across had a bunch of women of a certain age talking about picking wedding dresses. Some were divorced or widowed and marrying a second time. Some were happily married, anticipating retaking their vows. Some, few, like me, were getting married for the first time.

From dressale.com

So, they're talking dresses. "What's appropriate for a woman of a certain age," is the burning question. I was surprised (and not, at the same time) how defiant some of them were about wearing whatever-the-hell they wanted. If they wanted a bulbous gown festooned with ribbons and lace, then they were going to wear it, dammit. One woman, renewing her vows, is going to wear the same dress she wore when she was first married. It's a lacy concoction. Made me cringe. She very proudly (and rightly so) said that she could still wear it and hubby thought she looked great. More power to her, but really, I have to ask, is it appropriate? You're renewing your vows, not recapturing the past.

Maybe I'm a fashion stick-in-the-mud, but I believe in dressing in an age-appropriate way. Stacey and Clinton have that dead right. You might have the body to pull off a mini-skirt and belly-baring top, but should you when you're 50? At some point, you have to look in the mirror, see the age showing in your face (and plastic surgery, no matter how good, tends only to make you look like you've had plastic surgery) and grow up fashion-wise. Doesn't mean you have to be all Edwardian about your dressing (or even dress like Ma Barker). You can still have fun with it. Just use common-sense. When it comes to wedding dresses, the simpler, the better. Classic styling, simplicity and a good fit will still show you off. And you won't look like an idiot trying to be something you're not ... which is 22.

One of the good bits of advice I gleaned from these web pages was colour. Why not? It's not like I'm a virgin, which is what the white wedding dress is supposed to denote. Frankly, I think my family would fall off their seats laughing if I came down the aisle in a virginal white wedding dress. Mind you, I found this awesome pink halter - psychadelic colour-swirls, diaphanous fabric, slit up to here. It completely appealed to the magpie in me. They'd laugh their collective asses off if I came up the aisle in that, too, but at least it would be more out of appreciation for me just being who I am. I tried that dress on. I still love it, but no. Not for my wedding. Maybe for a beach holiday, however.